Monday, July 6, 2009

The Land of Nod-ding Off

I am a sad, sorry little blogger. This is the longest span of time I have gone without posting. It just wasn't in me last week. Let me catch you up, even though I'm guessing most of you already are.

I'm pregnant. About six weeks. I found out about a week and a half ago. As you can imagine, I've had a crazy mix of emotions over the last several days. I want to be excited. I want to be wistful and happy. And I am. Really.

But I am also aware. Not so much scared, but very aware of all that "could" happen. All that has happened before. I don't want to proceed so cautiously. I want to throw open the doors of my excitement and welcome this news joyfully. And I will. But I think it will take time.

So far, things have looked good. We had a couple of timid days last week when my hormone levels were doing funky things and we couldn't see anything on an ultrasound. But today we went for another ultrasound and saw a tiny little dot with a tiny little flutter of a heartbeat. I can't believe you can see a heartbeat on something with no human form yet, that is no more than the length of a grain of rice. But it was there.

It was bittersweet. I was so glad to have something positive to cling to, but I remembered the last little heartbeat I saw on a screen, too. I don't know that I will ever forget.

Don't get me wrong, friends. I am so happy that this has happened. It is all that we have been hoping for for several months now. I'm just cautious. And tired.

Last week, I was reading Psalm 77 in one of my darker moments when things weren't all pointing to the positive. God totally spoke to my heart through this psalm! I had been singing a song we learned at the Southern Baptist Convention meeting a couple of weeks ago:
We will remember
We will remember
We will remember the works of Your hands
And we will stop
And give you praise
For great is your faithfulness

This song had been in my head for days, and I had just been telling myself to recall the faithfulness of the Lord. Psalm 77 spoke these same words, and then encouraged me with this:

11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord;yes, I will remember your wonders of old. 12 I will ponder all your work,and meditate on your mighty deeds. 13 Your way, O God, is holy.What god is great like our God? 14 You are the God who works wonders;you have made known your might among the peoples.

Friends, there are not too many times in my personal prayers that I am in all-out physical praying to God. But here I was on my couch, tears streaming down my cheeks, hands in the air, asking God to be the God who works wonders in my life. For, honestly, no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy, what god is great like our God?


Beth said...

You said it, Amy. I know Paul's "the pastor" and all...but you have your own sermons to give. :) Thank you for sharing this!

What god is great like our God!

Stacey said...

Thanks for your comment on my last post, Amy. I appreciate your friendship!

I know these early days are so hard, but I pray that you will continue to see progress and get great news. And we know that even when things don't work out like we hope, God is still good and He's still in control.

Hoping with you!