I Can Only Imagine

(I realize that it has been a super-long time since I wrote on here, and I also realize there are hundreds of thoughts in the blogosphere right now relating to the school shooting at Newtown. I would still like to process some myself. Thanks for reading....)

When we had our two miscarriages in 2008, I immersed myself in anything that would offer me comfort in my grief. I read Scripture, books on loss and suffering, and found many blogs of women like myself who were struggling with loss. I learned what to say and what not to say to a grieving parent. You quickly realize that well-meaning words said to comfort can easily cause more pain if not carefully considered first. I emailed my friends, grasping for any straw of healing words to be spoken to my thirsting soul. Specifically, I sought out blogs and friends who I knew had experienced the loss of a baby, knowing they had been down that dark road and had felt the feelings I was experiencing. I wanted to badly to not feel alone in my grief.

Some of the things I read, or the words that were spoken to me, gave my aching heart respite and relief for a moment, that moment of need, maybe for a few days. Some of them spoke words that I have truly hidden in my heart. They changed my perspective, my reactions, my thoughts as I moved forward and have found myself in the position of comforting others in similar experiences. One blog in particular has stuck in my mind. I wish I had saved it so I could link to it now. It spoke of the differences between the phrases "I can't imagine" and "I can only imagine."

As I have read the news stories of the Newtown shooting, it has been glaringly obvious to me that this could have been my Abigail, my first grader, my girl about to turn seven on Friday. As I looked at the pictures of sweet faces that, just like my own daughter's, are in the transition between baby and big kid, I could have just as easily been looking into the face of my own girl.  As my eyes soaked in the words of these childrens' love of drawing, horses, the colors pink and purple, and what awesome big siblings they were, I may as well have been reading the biography of my firstborn.  And as hard as it was to do, as much as I did not want to do it, I imagined Abigail's face. I imagined her name. I could only imagine.

Hopefully, I will never experience the level and depth of pain that these parents are experiencing this very minute. But to say I can't imagine means that I will not allow my mind to go there, that I would shut off the thought.  To say I can only imagine means I will try. When a parent feels grief over loss, they need someone to imagine.  They need someone to try really hard to feel what they feel.  They need to feel that grief will not isolate them from a world who would rather shut off their minds than to think that the unthinkable could happen to them.  What may seem like frivolous semantics to some may be just the words that would be healing balm to a mother or father's heart, that a person would try, just try, to go there, too.

Scripture offers many promises of a God who "goes there" with us. God is our Comforter. Our Healer. He is close to the broken-hearted. When we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, His rod and staff comfort us.

As God comforts us, so are we called to comfort each other. To go to those dark places no one wants to be. Galations 6:2 says, "Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ." In that is the difference between "I can't imagine" and "I can only imagine".  It is the promise of, "I know I have not experienced this myself. But I love you and do not want you to bear this grief alone. I may only be imagining, but I will do my best to identify with your pain, and to bear this burden with you."

Fall Happenin's

Let's do a little October catch-all, shall we? We have had some great fun over the last few weeks as a family. Halloween is looming ahead, and can I just say, I'm awful at Halloween. I'm not all that creative, and I throw a costume together at the last minute, and usually about two kids come to our house to trick-or-treat. Let's just move on to the holidays, m'kay?

We went to Memphis a few weeks ago. Paul and I were going for a conference, but it was also a four-day weekend for Abigail, so we decided to take the girls along with a friend to watch them. When our conference ended, we made sure to see the Peabody ducks take their march on the red carpet, rode the old trolley to Beale Street and back, and ate some yummy BBQ. Our family rarely ever takes a "long" vacation (more than a couple of days) unless it is church-related, but we do love our little weekend getaways. It is just so much fun to go somewhere as a family for a few days and there is less packing involved.

My aunt and cousin, LeAnne, and her kids visited my parents' house last week from Arizona. It was so great to see them, even if it was a fast visit. Abigail and LeAnne's daughter became fast friends. I love seeing Abigail hit it off with relatives (even though the kid has never known a stranger).

We went to the Covered Bridge festival. We pretty much go for our annual Fall pics by the bridge and old mill, and for the killer Amish pretzels.

I've taken up an obsession with Pinterest. I find it becoming my late-night slow down before bed. I get into a pinning zone and find all kinds of crafts, tips, funny quotes. Paul smiles and rolls his eyes when I say, "Pinterest says.....". I'm pretty sure it has livened up our conversation, or at least has given me witty quotes to spring on him now and then.

Speaking of the internet, I have looked up home remedies for a couple of different ailments over the last month. Let me warn you, that if you look up home remedies, I have found that there will inevitably be someone who says, "I urinated on it, and it cleared up immediately!!" Side note: I did not use that home remedy.

You Know a Girl Has Issues

You know you haven't really given completely into the whole kindergarten thing when a teeny, tiny part of you is glad your girl has a fever so she can stay home from school with you.

You know you wish you could take that back when you realize how grouchy and whiny a girl with a fever is.

You know you are probably taking this school thing a little too seriously when you about shed tears over the fact that your kid is Star of the Week and she is going to miss a day or two of being the Star. Hey, Star of the Week is a one-time deal, people.

You know you have found a good crockpot cookbook (Make it Fast, Cook it Slow) when you have made at least three recipes in two days out of it.

You know you feel a bit attached to said cookbook when you feel that your 19 friends who have liked Crockpot Girls are missing out on the "real" crockpot gem. (shudder...shake it off)

You know you are a truly confused person when you can't wait to break out the Fall clothes, but then you smell the leftover sunscreen on the swimsuit on the dryer and feel like you need to give Summer a big hug.

You know you have an 18-month-old when you feel a lump in your bra and your mind starts to race of all the things that could be wrong, and then you realize it is just a raisin that she somehow slipped in there when you weren't looking.

You know it's weird to not feel a raisin in your bra. Come on, we all know that's weird.

Delinquent

I didn't really PLAN for my blog to get this far behind. I find I go in cycles with the whole writing thing. Sometimes I find it very fun, thoughtful, or therapeutic. Often, I find that whatever I want to say that is remotely blog-worthy can best be summed up in a two-sentence facebook status update.

So, I will just do a little catch-up post through the rest of our summer. Ah, summer, it feels like you were just here yesterday. Oh yeah, except for the fact it will be 1,000 degrees tomorrow.

Most of the rest of summer for our clan was pretty laid back. We swam. We stayed in the a/c a lot. We did fulfill almost all of Abigail's summer bucket list (except maybe for the late-night scavenger hunt). We made Ziploc ice cream, which was delicious. We took a few days right at the end to have lunch with my brother in Indy, visit our dear Jones' in Muncie, and stay at Paul's brother's house in Ft. Wayne. The last one was on Abigail's bucket list, so check. While in Muncie, we even rode a horse. Not on the bucket list, but totally should have been.

We are now full-swing into the second full week of kindergarten for Abigail. She loves it, and I have adjusted well, I think. That first week of dropping off was a doozy. I always would be fine once I was home and into my day. Just the dropping off broke my heart into a million pieces. Seeing her walk into that big school....and it's not that big a school. But I know she is doing well and having a great time with her friends. As of now, I still enjoy making her lunches and putting little notes in them to tell her how much I love her. Ask me in January if I am still loving lunches and consistently putting love notes in....

I also have to get used to Sadie and me going places by ourselves. The first couple of times, I had to remind myself I did not leave Abigail at home by herself. But Sadie and I are enjoying the one-on-one time....something Abigail got A LOT of before little sis came along, so now it's Sadie's turn.

So, all is well, and we haven't disappeared! I have just been a boring little blogger. Maybe I will get back on track now that I have quiet afternoon naps in the house again....maybe.

Wishes--a Vacation Recap

With Paul on vacation this week, we got to spend the last couple of days on a little getaway overnight to Brown County and Bloomington. We love going down to Bloomington for the day to explore, and thought it would be even more fun to add the rustic fun of shopping in Little Nashville to the adventure.


When we had gone into Nashville for dinner on Thursday, Abigail had seen a little wishing pond. As does any five-year-old, she is so intrigued by the idea of a wishing well and does not take that throwing of the penny lightly. Her wishes are serious business. We were in the thick of the hunt for dinner on Thursday, so I didn't want to take the time to fish out a penny right then, but told her we would be back the next day and she could wish then.

Of course, an elephant and a little girl never forget, so that was one of the first things she asked to do when we got into Nashville the next morning. Well, after a visit to the candy store.


I reached into my purse and produced a penny sufficient for wishing. She stood there...forever...just staring at the pond, grasping tightly to that penny. Being the impatient parents that we are, Paul and I both asked if she was ever going to make her wish. With a sigh and throwing her hands in the air, she said, "I don't know what to wish for. I mean, I don't know what to wish for that I don't know will come true. Like, I wish to be married. I wish to be twelve. But I know those things will come true. I don't know what to wish for that I don't know will come true."

I asked her if she needed us to walk away and give her some thinking space. Then, just like that, she threw in the penny. She turned around and grinned at me. I asked, "Did you get one?"


She excitedly whispered her wish in my ear and made me promise not to tell. So I won't. But considering it may or may not involve getting a dog, and considering her mama is anti-pooch, then she's right. She doesn't know it will come true. A true wish. But the fact that she wished it might bend Mommy's iron-clad will....in a few more years.

Monday Morning 'Lights?--A Little Late

Thanks to the fact that I was not home most of the weekend and I am dysfunctional and totally dependent on my husband in knowing how to get the pictures from the camera to the computer, I'm a couple of days late on my recap of last week. But, it was a pretty good week, so late is okay!

1. I guess we ate some chocolate at one point (or ten). See? I would forget such important things as eating chocolate if not for Sadie's face to remind me.



2. We had a really fun night at the library. It was Furry Friends Night, and the girls each took a stuffed animal to the library. They chose Monkalicious and Little Pig. The animals got to have a slumber party that night at the library and were picked up the next morning. I heard they did exciting things like learn about the Dewey Decimal System at midnight.

Abigail and Monkalicious listen to Miss Alissa read "Puff, the Magic Dragon."


3. We visited our sweet friend Kylene and her new baby. Oh, and ate at Culvers. No picture, but worth mentioning.




Sadie plays "This Little Piggy" with baby's toes.

4. They had outdoor fun with Papa. We had planned to leave the girls with my mom and dad for the weekend while we were at a conference, but Memaw got sick, so we sequestered her to a corner room and spent some fun in the sun with Papa and his garden.




5. Oh, and Abigail made a summer bucket list. We had better get busy.


Paul is on vacation from work this week, so I think we will have some day trips and maybe even an overnighter somewhere fun! Looking forward to next week's pictures!

Baffled

Sometimes you just have to write a blog for posterity, so you don't forget. And for posterity's sake, I would like to remember that my daughter, Sadie, is a flat-out Stinker.

She has become very independent lately, and is definitely in the stage of wanting to do things herself. She steals the fork and spoon from my hand and will not give it back, no matter how messy the result. She arches her back in protest when it is time to get into her carseat. And if there is anything in general she does not want to do, she immediately crumples into a ball on the floor.

For about a month, she has fought diaper changes by me like crazy. She screams. She cries. She rolls over and puts her little booty up in the air. She crawls away from me. And she is learning that there are consequences for the way she is choosing to act.

But then there is the EASY way. You know what that is? Let Abigail do it.

If we say, "Sadie, do you want Sissy to change your diaper?" she immediately falls down on the floor and throws her little legs up in the air. She grins through the entire diaper change. And Abigail REVELS in the Big Girl-ness of it all. Tonight, Sadie squealed in protest when Paul told her it was time for diaper change and jammies. But then he asked if Abigail could do it, and Sadie squealed in delight.

Abigail did the job, multiple times today, like the little mama that she is, with such pride. Sadie grinned the whole time, either telling us she loves her Sissy, or telling us she is a 15-month-old Stinker. I vote for the latter.