If Only

If only this had been a normal day, it would have been wonderful. It probably ranks to me as "The Best Worst Day Ever". Well, Day 2 anyway. If this day had been my birthday, or my anniversary, or a random fall Saturday, I would have blogged about how wonderful it was. And in light of yesterday's events, and my sadness, it really was a good day.

Paul got up with Abigail this morning and I got to sleep until 10 a.m. That alone usually starts me off pretty happy. Then my friends Amber and Elizabeth came to see me, yielding beautiful flowers from Amber's yard and a gift basket of chocolate, bread, lotion, and goodies. I continued to get thoughtful emails and phone calls from friends throughout the day. Then a van full of fun came to my house.

Three of my Campus Crusade college friends came all the way from Indianapolis to spend time with me. And even a fourth one showed up later! One of the friends brought her two little girls to play with Abigail, which made her happy as could be all day to have little friends here. And these are the girls who have been through about every up and down together I can think of. We talked it through until I literally just didn't have any more to say. I had said every thought that has been in my head since yesterday morning. We talked about my relationship with God, we talked about what true comfort is, we talked about needing versus not needing an explanation for it all. Oh, and they brought brownies, too.

Then after they left, Paul came home (he had escaped to find some guys to hang out with once he realized it would be estrogen central in our living room). He and Abigail and I carved a jack o'lantern on our front porch. Abigail scooped out the goo and we got a lot of good pictures. And the current smell coming from my oven of roasted pumpkin seeds is very appealing to my senses.

Paul and Abigail went to get some things from the store. When they return, we will eat pumpkin seeds and watch a movie I have not seen in over 20 years. My mom used to get a movie, I think made by the BBC, called "The Electric Grandmother" from the library. I used to have my best friend, Angi, over to watch the movie and we would just watch it over and over and over. It is so early 80s and wonderful. I have never found it again at a library, but my sweet husband found it and got it for us to watch together.

See? Were all of these people pouring love on me today because it was my 30th birthday, it would have been over-the-top great. A day where you sigh at the end of it in satisfaction. But unfortunately, all of the loving people were not coming to see me and showering gifts on me because it is my birthday. They are coming to love me and grieve with me. I hate that this is the reason why this day was so great. But I know that God knew it was just what I needed today. I may need something different tomorrow. Maybe I will need to be left alone. Maybe I will need to get away. Maybe I will be happy or angry or sad or in pain. I've kind of felt all of those today.

Well, except for angry. I don't know why, but it is not in me to be angry over this. I just am not. Yes, I know it is okay to be if I need to be. But I'm not. I don't need an explanation of "why" from God. I don't need to yell at Him, although I'm sure He would handle it just fine if I did. I just feel much too secure in the character of my God to be mad at Him. I know that He is the same God in a miscarriage that He is in a birth. He is a God who loves me and my family and who really has plans to give us a hope and a future.

Anyway, it really was a good day today. Did I cry over my kitchen sink as I separated pumpkin goo from pumpkin seeds? Yes. Did I cry when I read the poem my dear Lori sent to me? Yes. But did I laugh when Abigail, sounding so much like me, said "Ewwww" as she placed her hands inside that pumpkin for the first time? Yes. Did I laugh with my friends over things totally unrelated to the events of their trip? Yes.

I love my life and understand that these things, awfully hard as they are to go through, will hopefully make me more into the image of Jesus. Oh, how I hope they do.

Because today really was a pretty good day. And I am thankful for it.