Saturday, October 18, 2008

This Week's Normal

I guess I am getting a better picture of what grieving looks like over these last few days. To say it is a roller coaster would be a comparison, at least. After I typed that blog on Wednesday afternoon about this great time I had at the Covered Bridge festival and that I was doing better, I must have spoken a little too soon.

Wednesday night I went to help at Awanas at our church, and oh, I don't know how to describe it except that is was "too normal too soon." I don't think I was ready to sit and help kids recite their Bible verses. I worked with two little boys, first grade-age, and usually I really love listening to God's Word come out of their little mouths. But, I also like to explain what these verses mean to them. I think to a first grader, "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" might need a little understanding help. I mean, to them, what really is "sin"? And what does "falling short" mean, since that is not a term they are likely to hear regularly? And what is the "glory of God" in first-grade terms? Anyway, I was walking through this verse with them, and I got the following questions thrown at me in rapid fire:
Is lying sin?
Do you lie?
What kind of lie?
Do you still lie, or did you just used to lie?
(As you can tell pretty easily, one of the kids equated sin with lying. And that is all.)
Does God lie?
God's perfect? Are you sure?
Is Santa Claus real? (not sure where this one came from. But I quickly said we weren't going there, because a guy I went to high school with still claims that my mom as his substitute teacher was the one who broke the news that Santa wasn't real, and he maybe was still mad about it.)

Those were just a few of the questions. All mixed in with me leaving out the words in the verse, expecting them to fill in the blank (Abigail learns this way pretty well, why couldn't a first-grader?). Except every time I would make the blank be "sinned", he would fill in "God". So it was "All have....God." Sunday school answers, I know. So, I left there a little frustrated, feeling like I made NO difference in their learning that night. I went up to join prayer in the sanctuary, and could immediately feel tears welling up in me, and told Paul I was just going to go home. And in the 45 seconds it took me to walk across the yard in the pouring rain, I was bawling. Like, probably the biggest cry I had had since Friday morning. I sat on our front porch in the dark, watching the rain, and just cried. It was probably the first time I had an "I don't understand" moment with God. I was just telling Him how I felt like I had not gotten anywhere with those boys, that I had made no difference there tonight, and had just left frustrated. And that I couldn't take one more person asking me "Are you okay?"

Because that night, I wasn't. But today, I feel like I am. Like I am accepting it more. Handling it better. Today, I feel okay. Yesterday, I felt okay. See? Every day, every moment is different. But I guess I just need to let it be different and not expect to feel any one certain way at any one certain moment.

Yesterday, I had my ultrasound at the hospital to see if I will need a D&C. From the sound of things, I don't think I will. It's hard to decipher, because the ultrasound tech really can't tell you anything since they are not your doctor. They just have to send it all to your doctor and let them decide what to do. But he was training a new ultrasound tech yesterday, so I could pretty much tell by the things he was telling her that everything seemed okay. I hope so, anyway. This was the same guy who did my ultrasound three weeks ago when my hormone levels were a little low and they sent me over to have everything checked out. It was with him that I saw a baby and a heartbeat. So this was a very different experience with the same tech. He is a very gentle and soft-spoken man, and I really think he is good at his job. This, compared to the tech I had last week who acted nervous the whole time, like he didn't want to break the bad news to me. Of course, who would? Anyway, this ultrasound was very different. He didn't show me anything on the screen, but I guess there was nothing important to see. I have no need to see my ovaries or endometrial lining. I'm okay with his assessment of it all.

Afterwards, Paul, Abigail, and I went (again) to the Covered Bridge festival. I was so happy to have talked Paul into going with us. It was a very enjoyable afternoon, and a beautiful drive through winding, tree-lined roads. I adore time with my family, and especially at times like this, crave it even more than usual. It was so nice to stuff ourselves with festival food and buy things we never really need, like chocolate peanut butter fudge.

And, as a side note, to show that I am not walking around in doom and gloom all day, I will segue into something lighter....Have you all seen the commercials for Sham-Wow on tv? I admit, I am easily sucked into a good infomercial, and watching the guy with the Britney Spears mic on his head talking about..."Made in Germany! And we all know the Germans make good stuff, right?"...well, I cannot turn it off. There was a lady in Bridgeton who was demonstrating the Sham-Wow, and I was literally impressed. I saw it do all of the things they claim on tv. I didn't cave on the sale, as we really wanted to save our money on a giant pretzel, but I'm just saying if you do cave on the sale on tv, I don't think you will have wasted your money.


Anonymous said...

I am so thankful for the loving people God has placed around you to be there for you. He loves you so much!

nickmal said...

YOU definately are making a difference; in their lives and mine!
Love you,