Held

I'm not sure why I feel the need to type out a blog in times like this. I have no explanation except that "writing" for me is cathartic. It is my way of getting all of the emotions in my head, heart, and otherwise in some sense of order in black and white. It is something I can look back on in those days that I need something to process further. Or the days when I just need a good cry.

As most of you probably know, as I believe most of my blog readers are my dear friends (unless there are readers out there who would like to make their identity known). So, most of you heard our news today that we are having a miscarriage. Again.

I know blogs are one of those public forums where some people think "why does she feel the need to share all of this? It's too private." But for me, I am sharing my feelings for me. I love to write these feelings out, and if the people I love and care deeply about want to take the time to read those thoughts, then I really don't mind.

I have no idea what happened. It has been a seemingly good pregnancy so far. Blood tests have been fine, 8 week ultrasound was fine, heartbeat this week was fine. Then this morning when I woke up, it was clear something was wrong. Although it hasn't "officially" happened yet, all of the signs of miscarriage are inevitable. That is such an ominous word...inevitable. Like no matter how hard I try to stop it, no matter how badly I wish it weren't true, that bad thing is just going to happen.

It is times like this, however, when I realize how deeply loved my family is. Our family, our friends, our church, have already in the first day surrounded us with emails, phone calls, time off of work (thanks, Mom), a rose waiting on my doorstep, a dinner brought to our house (complete with Pumpkin Pie Blizzards), and the prayers. Oh, I sense the prayers. I have to just gasp out a thank you to my God for how overwhelmingly loved we are. It is a wonderful feeling in spite of pain.

On the way home from my parents' house this evening, we were listening to Abigail's lullabye cd in our car. The song "Baby Mine" by Allison Krauss came on (the song Dumbo's mommy sings to him in the movie), and the words just caught in my heart:
From your head down to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me, sweet as can be
Baby of Mine

I know it is a Disney song, but it just meant so much to me at that moment, and the tears flowed freely. This baby may not seem like much to some out there, and may not have had a name or identity in earthly terms, but I know firmly that this baby has been seen by God from the beginning of time, before the foundations of the earth were laid. This was no mistake, and it did not catch Him off guard. I have no explanation for it. But this baby has a heavenly identity, and it is so precious to it's Mommy and Daddy.

Thank you for loving me today, friends, and praying for all of us. I don't know what the next few days and weeks will hold as I experience this physically, but I know that we are held in loving arms right now.