Monday, February 22, 2010

They Still Matter

Last night I was searching for a blog I had written about a year ago to send to a friend. I originally thought that I had written it about a year and a half ago, so I began my search around October and November of '08. In my searching, I opened that little memory box of my second miscarriage. I re-read blogs that I haven't read in several months. And I remembered.

I'm at a beautiful place right now, to be able to remember not because the pain is too raw or the memory too fresh, but because I don't want to forget. As much as I have joked about how "done" I am with this pregnancy, and ready to hold our little one in my arms, I am trying to relish these last few days of feeling this life inside of me before she is out into the open world. When she balls herself up into uncomfortable peaks and my stomach looks distorted beyond measure, I gently rub my hand in a circle until she settles back into place. I can feel her foot jutting against my skin, almost as if I could place an ink pad on the outside and make a perfect stamp of her footprint. I feel her hiccup, sometimes multiple times a day, and watch my skin jump repeatedly in the same area to the left of my belly button.

I know that this stage will all be over soon. She will soon be out of my body, growing faster than I will be ready for. Re-reading my blogs last night from my miscarriage made me recall those feelings again...the apprehension after our first miscarriage, the waiting to tell everyone I was pregnant, hearing that baby's heartbeat on two occasions, waking up that morning to the realization that something was wrong, and a few days later, experiencing the physical and heartfelt pain of life leaving my body too soon. Not to hold a baby in my arms. Not to introduce Abigail to her new sibling. Just to be gone, waiting for God to show me what I was supposed to learn through the experience.

I remember now because I don't want to forget. I want to welcome with great joy our new baby. I'm not nervous like I was with Abigail...maybe more prepared for what we have been through before, maybe not. I'm just ready. But in the midst of anticipation, I want to remember the two before. Because all babies are precious to their parents, whether they are held in our arms or only in our hearts and our memories. And because they were here, in this belly of mine that is now overflowing with jumpy, jerky, full movement, I am able to love and appreciate this pregnancy even more....even if just for a few more days.

2 comments:

Stacey said...

What a beautiful time of reflection and remembering for you. Even though I know they are painful memories, we don't want to forget those precious babies. I love this line: "All babies are precious to their parents, whether they are held in our arms or only in our hearts and our memories."
Amen to that, my sister. Remembering with you, and celebrating this new life inside that you will soon meet face-to-face!

To God be the glory, great things He hath done!

Debra said...

They do still matter! and are loved by many. I am so glad you are open and honest about these experiences. You may never know who or how but this is helping women somewhere. I love you and can't wait to see pictures of sweet Sadie. Praying the delivery goes well.