Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A Bird and a Tree

Meet Sissy.

She is the faithful mama robin who has made a nest outside of Paul's office window at the church building. Abigail named her Sissy, so that is what she shall be called. After diligently making her nest, Sissy laid three precious little blue eggs.

And just like Horton the elephant, Sissy has proven herself faithful 100% to sit on her eggs. Paul did a little research on robins, and found out that the eggs usually hatch 12-14 days after they are laid. Sometimes even the daddy robin shows up to take his turn at the sitting. Abigail named him Papi, so Papi he shall be called (maybe he migrated from Mexico?). Paul wrote a really great post over at his blog about what happens then, and how it relates to us spiritually. But I just want to write about how it relates to my little corner of life right now.

You see, I'm searching for a sign. Maybe not so much a sign that I need to go this way or that, but more like a little love letter from God, a little glimmer of hope in this journey. The due date of our pregnancy that we lost in October is Monday, May 4th. It is hard to believe that those months have already passed, and to think about where we could have been at this time. Possibly cradling a newborn baby. Maybe just feeling those contractions set in as I worked around the house. Getting in those last doctor visits, with that anticipating "We'll see you next week....but let's hope not!" And then everyone goes "Yay, it's almost time!" We know...we've been in those final days before, and they are sweet.

I've read many stories of infertility struggles and pregnancy loss in the last several months. There is a huge network of people who write blogs about their own experiences, and there is this little support group of "we are not alone." I've been struck several times at how certain things work in an almost uncanny timing. I've read stories of people who conceived and had their baby one year to the date that they miscarried. Or maybe the baby was born on the due date of the baby they had lost. On and on the stories go, almost in a strange sort of "that can only be a God thing, because things don't just work out that way." Like a little extra something special from Him, saying that He cares about the details of our lives, and that these little days and dates are not for nothing...they are significant and special. He knows that there are anniversaries of certain days that are so hard that we just might need a little extra something that day to feel lifted.

I had a long talk with Paul the other night, and I was probably the most emotional I have been about our miscarriages since last fall. Without recounting every tear and sniffle (it was even an ugly cry for a little bit there), I basically told him that I am desperate for that something extra from God right now, as Monday approaches. To feel that there is some sign of life to look forward to that day. That it isn't just a day on my calendar that is still circled as "the day that should have been something." I don't mean to sound superstitious...I just need something to be a sign of hope and life on that day.

So, there is Sissy. And there is our little tree.

As far as Sissy goes, Paul says from his calculations that those three little eggs should hatch somewhere between May 3rd and May 5th. I told him he was just being nice to tell me that, but he meant it. And wouldn't that just be something?

As for our little memorial tree...I have just been holding my breath that it will do something really glorious on May 4th. I don't know what a baby tree is capable of, but while several trees in our town have already blossomed, bloomed, and gone to the green hues of summer, our little tree is just starting to poke some green out the ends. I've watched carefully, at first not even sure it had survived it's first winter. But it did, and it is slowly pushing those little leaves out, but it has some days yet before it really shows itself.

What are these things capable of? I don't know. I do know that Sissy's eggs will hatch, and that our little tree will blossom, whether they hold out for May 4th, or even surpass it. I know it may seem silly to want such a sign as these things, but I guess I just believe in a God who understands the significance of dates, and One who sees me exactly where I am. I look pretty good and smiley and confident on the outside in any normal conversation, but on the inside...I'm just searching for a little something extra.


Annie said...

He knows what you need, Amy, and He'll come through; He always does. Miss you guys!

Heather Kay said...

Your honesty is beautiful. I will pray for you. What a treat it will be to watch Sissy with her babies. Please share pic's if you have the chance.

Stacey said...

Love this post, and now I cannot wait to see what will happen with the eggs (and/or the tree).

Thanks for your always sweet and supportive comments on my blog. You are such a blessing to me. Love ya & praying about Monday.

Lindsay said...

I just saw that Paul had updated his Facebook album, and the babies have hatched! :) What day did they hatch? I'm praying that it was close enough to today for you to know that God is holding you and your babies close. I'm praying for you today.