Wednesday, March 11, 2009

This Journey

I know I have not blogged in almost a week. I want to....I really, really want to. I felt I didn't have anything worth sharing. No cute stories. No news. No big funnies. I still don't think I do, but I just want to write.

Paul's mom, as many of you know, has been battling stage IV breast cancer for almost a year. It has moved through much of her body in her bones. She lives alone. It has been a long year for her. So, she had a doctor appointment on Monday, and due to various things, including her pain levels, numbness in her feet, swelling in her legs, etc. she was admitted to the hospital Monday night. She was told she will not be going home from the hospital, but instead will be admitted into a skilled nursing facility.

In the last two days, things have moved very quickly for Jean. I hurt for her. To have such physical pain, and then have to sit in a hospital knowing that when you leave, it won't be to your home again. I mean, the house is getting sold. We went there yesterday afternoon to her place to clean and start boxing things up. I can only imagine how it must feel relinquishing all control to your kids....knowing they are boxing up your things, hoping that everything goes to its rightful place. How frustrating. How helpless it must feel.

After a very long day we came home, tired both physically and emotionally. Lots of thoughts in our head. And after being a week and a half late in my cycle, I started my period. (sorry, male readers) Another month, seemingly gone by in this journey of faith and hope. Trying for a baby, knowing this is not the month. How frustrating. How helpless it does feel.

So we face another day, another month, another cycle. Hoping, yet knowing it simply isn't up to us. How I pray that God shows up. I know He is here. He always is. But with Jean, with all of her children, with us, with so many uncertainties. I just need to see Him move somehow. And to know that He is strong when we are not. He is wisdom when our vision is cloudy. He makes sense of things that just don't right now. He is rest when we are so very tired.

6 comments:

MamaS said...
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MamaS said...

I loved talking to you this evening. It sure is easier to see God's overall plan AFTER rough times have passed. Whatever is going on, I feel He is always strengthening us for our walk with Him. How wonderful that Abiga il can be at blessing at this time to you, Paul and Jean. Remember how she made Grandma B smile?

debra said...

I have a very hard time, often, understanding why things happen the way they do. Sometimes it just doesn't make sense or seem fair. But I try to remember that God is not the cause of our pain but the initiator of our healing and that helps me. Praying that God provides comfort and strength to your family right now and that He reveals Himself to you in a real and tangible way that is unmistakably God. Love you girl.

Beth said...

I've been praying for Jean and Paul and the whole family this week.

Love you guys! Love YOU!

nlamom said...

I truly understand both trials you are going through. Unfortunately there is no way around them, just through them. God will bring you through, and you will be even stronger because of it. I often felt alone when my Grandmother was sick, and I was so very exhausted. God gave me strength, I know I would have collapsed otherwise. I also felt so isolated in trying for a baby, month after aggrivating month. We were trying to have our 2nd child when Mitch's grandmother got sick. I was so sad that she didn't meet Liane, but I know that she would have loved her more than life, and Liane is named after her. Hang in there, your in my prayers!!

Stacey said...

Amy,
I will keep your MIL in my prayers during this time. It's hard to imagine how difficult this must be for all of you.

I understand how hard it is from month to month when you're hoping for a baby. I too was late this month only to be disappointed. :(

Praying for you!