The Comparison

Like it or not, I have spent the last six weeks that I have known I was pregnant comparing to my last one. My first miscarriage, last spring, seemed over almost as soon as it started, so it is hard having much to compare to there. But the second pregnancy last year gives me a larger time frame to compare to.

I think the thing that has been hardest, even though this one has seemed to be going without a hitch so far, is knowing that I was ten weeks along with my last one, and had heard the heartbeat on two occasions, with an ultrasound as well. Up until two weeks ago, I have had weekly ultrasounds with this one. Everything in me wanted to be excited...and I was...but that little nagging thought in the back of my head kept saying "But you had this the last time, too." And I would think about being seven, eight, nine weeks along and that voice would say, "But you were ten last time."

So, here I sit this week, at ten weeks and three or four days. Right at the same point that I miscarried in October. I have had no reason to be concerned. No reason to worry. And I can't say that I am just sitting around worrying...at least, not in the active sense. But there is still that voice. There is still that pit of fear that gasps and thinks, what was that twinge of pain? I feel like I have been pregnant much longer this time, and I think I feel that way because it has been a much more physical experience. For the most part, I felt pretty great last time. No real exhaustion or nausea to speak of. This time, I've had all of that. And although it seems reassuring that I have physically experienced this pregnancy so much more, there are still those thoughts.....This is when it happened last time.....

Then, with the best and often too-weak confidence that I can muster, I tell myself that there is a voice of truth that I need to listen to. There are reminders:

Behold, I am doing a new thing;now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. ---Isaiah 43:19

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. ---Isaiah 55:8-9

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water,that sends out its roots by the stream,and does not fear when heat comes,for its leaves remain green,and is not anxious in the year of drought,for it does not cease to bear fruit. ---Jeremiah 17:7-8

These are the reminders I need. Of course, they are countless...the encouragement, the promises, the truth of God's Word. My thoughts need taken captive constantly, on a moment by moment basis. Because as much as I cling to it, this is not my last pregnancy. God is doing a new thing...and I have to trust Him in that.