Monday, July 7, 2008

Crybabies Unite

I remember a night in my high school years, probably some of the tougher times on my poor mom, that I came home from a football game and was just so down. She was always good at getting me to talk things out, and I remember saying, "Do you ever just feel like crying? You don't really know why, but you just want to cry?" Of course, I was asking my sweet, sensitive mother, who had been quite well-known in that time to shed a few tears here and there. And she kindly said, "You bet I do!" I don't know if this is just a disease that afflicts those of us from Venus and not those from Mars. Or at least the Martians probably wouldn't admit it. But there are those days....

For those of you just tuning in, even though probably most of you know me well, let me catch you up to speed. I was debating how much to share of the crummy stuff, and when to share it (blog #2 sounds like a good place to start). My friend Luellen told me today, kindly and wisely, that there are people who care about me and want to know these things so that they can be praying. Well, get on your knees, Brothers and Sisters, because here we go. A few months ago, I had a miscarriage. There, I said it. And a lot of you who know me are thinking, what? I didn't know she was pregnant! Well, it was very early on. I had only known for about a week and a half or so that I was pregnant, and like any superstitious woman, was biding my time to make the big announcement. I had not yet "felt" pregnant. We told our families and that was about it because we were waiting for the right time. I started spotting the week after we told my family (Abigail even got to run into the kitchen wearing a sweatshirt that said "Big Sister"). I went to the doctor and was prepared for what was about to happen. Dr. Denise said that probably something just didn't line up right in the chromosomes, and that it was nothing I had done. I knew when it happened (when it started) and then it was pretty much over. I had a couple of days of feeling kind of sorry for myself. I know that might sound selfish, feeling sorry for myself. I think because I had not had "symptoms" of pregnancy, I had not really bonded with the idea of being pregnant yet. I could look at Abigail and realize that I am able to have kids and that this was just supposed to happen this way. Paul and I had some sweet moments to talk it over, and then we were ready to move forward. This was in March. I don't bring it up now for belated sympathy. I have very much accepted and moved on, and really it was not that "bad" of an experience over all, compared to what many women go through. I think as time has gone on, I just realized that it was not something I needed to keep inside. I have gradually told people when it pertained to the conversation, and we are all okay here in the Cooper house with this matter. It just felt like it was time to tell it.

And the rest...Paul's mom has stage 4 breast and bone cancer. Our house in Muncie still has not sold and the property taxes will be almost tripling in August (on the market over a year now). That's it. Those are my Big Three. The three things I pray about the most. The three things I cry over the most (really Paul's mom and the house are what I cry over....I am just waiting on God for the baby part). The three things that seem like they are always in the background of everything else...my prayers, my/our decisions, my/our schedule, my/our checkbook. They are just there, and I have absolutely no control over any of them. And when I pray, I just see over and over again a big flash in my mind's eye of the word "WAIT". I have realized that the word "wait" has all new meaning to me now, and yet I have no idea how to do it.

So today, I was having one of those blue days. The kind of day where I still do laundry, and made spaghetti sauce homemade for dinner, and checked my email, and played with Abigail, but this hovering stuff is in my head. When Abigail took her nap this afternoon, I sat down for my quiet time. And I bawled. Before I even opened my Bible, I bawled. I tried to pray, and I cried. And I needed so desperately to hear from God. To know that He was hearing me. So first, I opened to my next chapter reading through I Samuel, and wouldn't you know it...it was David and Goliath. I think whenever anyone is going through hard times, the number one suggestion is for them to read Job (anyone ever grow weary of turning to Job for someone who had it way worse?) and then you read David and Goliath. I kind of smiled through my tears, and told God all of the giants I am facing right now. And felt a little hopeful for the same victory that David had.

Then, I flipped over to Psalms. Sometimes I read whatever chapter corresponds with that day of the month. So, today being the 7th (or was it the 6th?), I began to turn toward chapter 7, but then got stopped to read chapter 6. And here, as I sat on my couch in my living room, crying about the same Big 3 I have cried about for much too long, is a portion of what I read:

Psalm 6:6
I am weary with my moaning;
every night I flood my bed with tears;
I drench my couch with my weeping.

I know, right? Here I had just read about David's slaying of this big giant, and then I read the psalm that HE WROTE saying that he gets wearing of crying out to God about the same stuff over and over again. And that he "DRENCHES HIS COUCH WITH WEEPING." I have been a believer since the fresh little age of 8, and have read this Psalm, I'm sure, many times (I love, love, love the Psalms). And here I am, drenching my couch with David. I don't think I have ever had a verse speak to me so much, right then and there. I don't think I have ever felt so related to, so watched, so understood. But that wasn't even the best part...

Psalm 6:9
The Lord has heard my plea;
the Lord accepts my prayer.

I needed so badly to hear from Him. My dear friend Charlotte (get used to this name, I'm sure I will mention her more) loves one of God's names being "The God Who Sees Me" (Genesis 16:13). The One who sees me cry. The One who sees my heart. The One who sees me exactly where I am today. I felt so "seen". The fact that I opened to that Psalm, not being sure whether today was the 6th or the 7th, and reading the psalm that spoke to me right where I was, crying on my couch....I was being watched, for sure.

So, that is where I was today, and probably will be again. I don't want to be in this place as often as I am, but I wait. Today, tomorrow when I wake up, I will actively choose to wait on God. To wait on Him to act. To wait on Him to provide. To wait on Him to heal. To wait on Him to breathe life. And this is the verse I was given while looking for the one listed above:
Isaiah 64:4
From of old no one has heard or perceived by the ear, no eye has seen a God besides you, who acts for those who wait for him.

So, I will wait on the God who Sees me.

5 comments:

nickmal said...

Lamentations 3:
22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

Scripture says to WAIT, and we say,

"God, Ive been praying about the same issue for a long time, but nothing seems to be happening. I honestly don't know what to do about it, and sometimes I feel like giving up."

Luellyn and I just had a Sunday School lesson on Who's Really In Charge and were reminded that Revelation 5:8 visually depicts the truth that the prayers of God's people impact heaven's throne. When you share your prayer requests you are allowing all of us to receive God's blessing because God is pleased when we come to Him with our needs.
Then God reassures us of His limitless power in Jeremiah 32:27
"Look, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is anything too difficult for Me?"

We live in a culture where we want and even expect instantaneous results. We are reminded however in Romans 12:12 "Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in time of trouble and never stop praying."

God not only wants us to pray, but He also wants to answer our prayers. By praying we are opening up our spirit to receive the power and blessings of God. The more time we spend with God, the more our prayers will align with His will.

When we pray we are admitting to God that we can't handle everything on our own. We show God that we have complete faith in Him when we ask for His help and believe that He will act in our best interest.

Amy, you can cry tears of joy and
"rejoice in hope......." and sing this chorus with me or humm it through the tears>>
"Seek ye first the kingdom of God, And His righteousness,
And all these things shall be added unto you--Allelu, allelulia!
Ask and it shall be given unto you, Seek and ye shall find,
Knock and the door shall be opened unto you--Allelu, alleluia!

kmonkey said...

Wait! Waiting is hard sometimes and the bigger the prayers seem to be, the harder waiting seems to be.

I remember feeling so defeated before Kyle got an offer to come to Illinois. It was so close to the time we were supposed to be moving and we had no where to go. Kyle didn't want to go to Texas so we were going to stay in Muncie a bit longer. But we kept praying and all the sudden he gets an offer to Illinois and we go look for a house and end up buying one that went on the market the day we looked and... everything just fell into place. But we had to wait. We couldn't make a decision or plans until all the pieces were given to us.

God is still handing you guys your pieces, now you gotta wait for the puzzle to fit together. He has proven that he more than provides for our needs in the past and we have a promise that he will continue to do so in the future.
One such promise:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your heards and minds in Christ Jesus" Phil 4:6-7

Sending you many hugs and missing my mommy friend.
~Debra

PS... the other reply you have was a fantastic and much needed read for me

Christianne said...

Oh my Amy. First of all, what is this "crying" thing of which you speak? Hmmm...maybe I'll Google it or something...sounds intriguing... ;-)

Yes, God wants you to wait...but there's a difference between just passively waiting (meaning that you completely stall the rest of your life until you "get what you want" and just end up in a big funk of self-pity) and actively "waiting." I know that "active waiting" sounds like a bit of an oxymoron, but it's trusting in God and hoping for things to happen while still being content with the place that God has you in RIGHT NOW and learning from everything he's trying to teach you in THIS moment under THESE circumstances. God has you in this place (not just "Marshall" place, but stage-of-your-life place) because this is where He wants you to be right now. Why? I don't know, sweetie. I just know that I have NEVER gone through a dark point in my life without ever learning a powerful lesson from God on how He takes care of me and how much He loves me. Now, this doesn't mean you can never cry and scream and question things (because God also created you to have those emotions), but keep your eyes up instead of your chin down.

It always helps me, especially as a mom, to compare myself to my toddlers. After all, that's kinda how I feel in my spiritual life much of the time! I know there are times when Abigail wants something...and you say "no" or "not now." You're not just saying that to be mean, you know as her loving parent that there is something else that needs to happen first (a long nap so she can enjoy the trip to the zoo she really wants to take) or something better around the corner (no cookie right now, because dinner is almost ready). God is just responding in the same way. He knows that something else needs to happen first...or there is something better around the corner. Just wait...but wait with the knowledge that God is in control and that you can learn a lot with where He has you right now.

nlamom said...

Amy,

I am sooo sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I have had 3. Each one in the first trimester, and each one was painful. It is a big deal, because it is a potential child, and you have a loss in your life. It took us three years of trying to get Liane, and many months of crying and praying. But God had his perfect timing, I KNOW how hard it is to see it when you are going through something. As for Paul's mom. I understand. We had my Grandmother's funeral today. It was bittersweet. I know she is in heaven and she is not suffering any longer. But God did answer our prayers, and she was not in any pain, in the last weeks of her life.

Keep your chin up, your going to have good days and bad days. Just let the tears come when they come. You need them.

Amber

simplyelizabeth said...

So sorry to hear about that! It is one of those clubs of which you don't want to belong. On the other hand, it is good to know you are waiting on the Lord. I think it goes along with what we've been studying in Sunday school with Mary, Martha and Lazarus. They had to wait and watch their brother die to see him resurected. You sound inspired through your trials. I think you will inspire and comfort others.