Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Stuck in Between

After getting through the events of the last week with Jean's passing, and looking forward to the events of next week with our upcoming trip to Florida, I have to admit, I feel kind of stuck. Stuck in between the sad and the exciting. Stuck in between the nothing-normal of last week, the current-normal of laundry, cleaning, daily stuff, and the next-week-sort of normal of a trip.

We are going to Florida for the Southern Baptist Convention and tacking on a couple of days for family time. We are definitely looking forward to a break and some fun time as family and seeing friends.

Yet there is still sadness. In some ways, the last few days have reminded me of how I felt after my second miscarriage. I would read facebook statuses and ponder how everyone else's days were going on normally while ours felt like there was an empty hole in it. I would go about the normal things of the day and then have a moment where the hurt would grab me and I would think "too normal, too soon."

I'm hurting for my husband, my daughters, my sisters- and brothers-in-law. I'm hurting for me. There is a lot about this precious mother-in-law of mine that I am not sure I appreciated enough while she was with us. I think I gradually appreciated her more over the course of my marriage to Paul, but most of all now that she is gone. I remember my mom saying how she and my grandma used to butt heads over things all the time, but once grandma had passed, none of those things mattered anymore. That's how I feel now....none of that "stuff" matters anymore. All that matters is that we miss her.

I keep replaying our visit with her just one week ago yesterday. I keep remembering her voice, her hugs, her conversation.

We are okay. Yes, we are okay. Just different now. Looking forward to the break ahead, but still remembering. Stuck...for now.


Mary said...

I hope the trip ahead will help ease the sadness of your family's loss. We'll keep you in our prayers. I hope you are having a wonderful day. Blessings...Mary

Stacey said...

Praying for your family as you adjust to a new normal. I know you will miss her for the rest of your earthly lives, even as you continue to live and be joyful and take vacations.
Hope you have a great trip!