Sacrifice

I was always a patriotic little child. My first favorite song that I can remember was "The Star-Spangled Banner." LOVED IT.

My second favorite song was the jingle from the Crystal Light commercials in the 80s, but I don't know if jingles count for anything. Crystal Light, 'cuz I believe in me.

My next favorite song as a child was "God Bless the USA" by Lee Greenwood. It still is one of my faves. I don't know what it is about hearing that scratchy voice from that bearded man sing, "And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free...," but it still gets me choked up to this day. And should I hear it on the radio in my car, that puppy is getting turned UP.

All this to say, I don't know when my heart began to bend toward a love for my country. But it was natural to me. I don't remember being taught these things...they just always were within me. We have done our best to teach Abigail about the importance of soldiers and what they do for to fight for our freedoms. I know that it may be years before she understands the depth of these things, but I still love to see her say the Pledge of Allegiance or tell me with a little bit of awe in her voice that she just saw a soldier.

We were in McDonald's a couple of weeks ago, and there was a woman there, dressed in Army fatigues. Abigail got up really close to me and said, "Mommy, I didn't know there were GIRL soldiers!" In her world, there are very distinct lines of what girls do and what boys do. She is always telling us something is a "boy" thing to do, until we expand her thinking a little more to say that girls do a lot of the same things.

On a day like today, I'm glad that our country gives pause to celebrate and honor our veterans. Even though I am sad for the reason, I appreciate seeing flags everywhere flying at half-staff in memory of those who gave the greatest sacrifice one can give, of their very lives for the freedom of others. It is so much of Jesus, and so not a natural part of our human selves. I know many soldiers may never get the full appreciation they deserve, or see the spiritural parallels in the work they do. But I do think a soldier is the closest earthly picture we may see of great sacrifice. To think that Jesus went even beyond that, to give His own life for a fallen, sinful world, to lay himself on an alter that no other sacrifice could fulfill will forever amaze my mind and heart.

Things Abigail has Learned Lately

When a baby is ages birth through a year or two old, the questions are always being asked, "What are they doing now?", "What are their milestones?", and "What are their new tricks?" I always laughed at that one, like she was a little puppy or something. Those questions start to fizzle out around preschool age, but I've realized that even at almost four years old, Abigail has learned several new things.

1. Bargaining Skills. She is getting a lot better with getting what she wants, whether that is just one more book, one more Blues Clues video, or one more piece of Halloween candy. I don't know if I am just too tired to think of how to bargain back, or not willing to argue. Sometimes I am firm, say, close to nap time. Other times, as much as I want to say no, I think of the "big picture parenting", and ask myself what one extra book will hurt.

Note: Bargaining and throwing fits are not the same thing. Last night when we were leaving Toys R Us, she wanted to ride one of the little cars and we told her no. She immediately started crying, and we didn't cave. We are pretty good at not caving to bad behavior, which is different than just giving in to "one more ___________." I think.....

2. Being defensive. Paul says she learned this trait from him, the propensity to self-defend. I'm not sure where this came from, and it seems like it really came out of the blue. When she gets called out for doing something wrong, she immediately tells us all the reasons why it is not her fault, why she wasn't doing anything wrong, why she is so justified. Whatever....it's annoying. It may be a long road ahead of us, but by golly, this kid will learn to accept when she has messed up. She may be 30 when she learns it, but I'm counting on that lesson sinking in someday.

3. Showing us her booty. Recently, she thinks giving me and Paul a full moon is hilarious. Luckily, she only does this at home, and usually before bedtime when giddiness ensues. The pants get pulled down, and she just stands there and waits for us to realize what she is showing us. I admit, it can be pretty funny, but we tell her we don't need to see her "cracker". She also thinks this word is hilarious, which makes the pants-pulling-down happen even more.

4. Telling us what words are not okay to say. Somehow, I think this is her way of exercising the chance to actually say those words. One word she has said for a while is "bammit", which we tell her not to say because it rhymes with a bad word. Yesterday, she dropped the broom she was playing with, and then came to me and said, "I'm sorry I said bammit." Hmmm, tricky.

5. Baby talking. I don't know if the closer we get to baby's arrival, the more she feels the need to be a baby again herself, or what. But the baby talking is about to drive this mama up a wall.

6. Coloring and drawing. She loves it and could do it for hours on end. It keeps her very quiet and occupied, and she's actually pretty good. I'm all for it.

7. Saying sweet things. She has moved beyond the sole "I love you" stage, and is getting more creative. Last night I was getting her out of her carseat, and she said, "I'm glad Jesus made you my mommy." These moments melt me completely.....and I still didn't give in at Toys R Us!

So, those are her latest tricks. Don't get me wrong, she's pretty fun lately. There are fun things about every stage, and trying things, too. In some ways, I'm hoping age four is a little easier than age three. But overall, she is always a great kid, and I sure am glad she's mine.

So Good

Today, I am reminding myself that God is good ALL the time. And not because anything is going wrong today, because it isn't. But I was a little apprehensive over something that I shouldn't have been.

The couple that has been buying our house on contract sends us a mortgage check at the beginning of each month for the payment. They have never missed a payment, nor have they been late. The contract period is almost up, about three more months to go.

Usually, we receive their payment even before the first of the month. It is usually in the mail on the 27th or 28th of the month, making me content and happy and secure and blah, blah, blah. For some reason, this month, it didn't arrive a few days early as usual, but it still was not late. It arrived on the 2nd. And wouldn't you know it, my mind started racing a hundred different ways with the "what if's?". What if they couldn't make their payment this month? What if they get this close to the end of the contract and default? What if we still have possession of this crazy house almost two and a half years after we moved out of it????

But today, the check came. Payment will be made on time once again. I called Paul and said, "Check was in the mail. God is good." Then I realized what I had just said, and said, "I mean, God is always good, even if the check had not come. But it did come, and He is good." We had a good little chuckle over it, but it made me realize today that I needed that little reminder....God is ALWAYS good. If the payment is made or not, if our house sells or not, if we are healthy or sick, if we are rich or poor (sound like marriage vows, anyone?). Thank you, God, that Your goodness never changes, and it is not based on me.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever! Psalm 107:1

Her Love

Last night after her bath, I was painting Abigail's fingernails and toenails. She sat naked on the couch and got a real mani/pedi, which is just about her favorite girl time in the whole world.

I was a stuffy mess. I was in my yoga pants and a t-shirt, and looked like nothing that resembled a pretty mommy.

And then she looked at me and said, "I'm so glad God made you my mommy. I love this mommy's hair. I love this mommy's voice."

I think it was the best medicine I've had in four days.

From a Sick Chick

Influenza A/Swine Flu has breached our borders of our town. I know that this sickness is much more hyped than the usual seasonal flu, and I'm falling all over it. We've had friends at church who have had it, there have been kids beyond number sent home from school this week. The school nurse goes to our church, so I feel like I have some very cool "inside" on what's going on. I know I don't really, but a girl can feel important, can't she?

I spent most of the last week going crazy over sanitizing the house. By golly, I was going on the defensive for my family. Probably me being pregnant, and in the "high risk" category of contracting the flu makes me a little crazier than the usual year. In fact, the only flu shot I have ever had in my life was when I was pregnant with Abigail. Paul never gets them. Abigail has gotten them every year. I don't claim to have scientific, biological understanding of any of these things, but it seems like the right thing to do to get them for her, and me when I'm pregnant.

De-germed as this house has been, who do you think got sick? Mama, that's who. Not with the flu, thank goodness. But the last few days, I have had a yucky cough that burns in my chest, and last night it moved upwards toward my sinuses. One of the hardest things about being pregnant is not being able to just go to the medicine cabinet and take my pick of the many OTC's that would help my symptoms. My doctor only advises me to take Benadryl and Tylenol. That's it. No cough syrup. No expectorant. Bah. Humbug.

So, I'm sitting at home on a Sunday morning, skipping church. Avoiding people, for their sake and for mine. At least my cat still snuggles up next to me. She's a little TLC medicine at the right moments.

Maybe my body had acquired immunity to the germs in my house, and I made a mistake by going on a sanitizing kick? I hope not.

A Gift of Remembrance

When I got home from a trip to Branson with my family on Saturday, I had a surprise package in the mail for me. It was from my sweet friend, Megan, and it was this:

She said that she knows I carry the hearts of the babies we lost, as well as Abigail and Sadie's hearts. It is from the ee cummings poem:

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it

I love that Megan thought to send this to me. First of all, she didn't even know that Paloma's Nest (the maker of the little dish) is one of my favorite seller's on etsy. I told her that I don't really expect people to remember all of the dates that are now stored in my memory. But when someone reads my blogs and thinks to do something special....it touches my heart so much. The dish arrived in the sweetest little straw nest. Nests and eggs have had a very special place in my heart ever since Sissy and her eggs were a part of our lives back in the spring.

Thank you, Meg. Thank you to all who remember with us.

Worth It

Yesterday, I was in St. Louis for a weekend conference. Yesterday, October 10th. It was my sweet daddy's 64th birthday. It was also a year from the day of my miscarriage. I was in business meetings all day long, so it didn't give me lots of time to spend mental energy on the remembering.

I'm so glad that the timing of my pregnancy has worked out as it has. When I wrote out the weeks on my calendar and realized I would be right around the 19-20 week mark this week, I was relieved. I knew I would either be able to get my ultrasound the week before or the week after the miscarriage anniversary. I wanted that....to have something good to remember at this time. I want to look at that day on the calendar and remember it as a day to celebrate my dad's birthday. Or to know that we were just starting to identify with the baby girl inside of me. I want that day to have something sweet again.

Yet, I do want to remember. I want to remember the events surrounding that day....that we were planning to go to a fall break cookout at a friends house. That I had marinated deer meat the night before to be grilled. That I had made persimmon pudding to take to my dad for his birthday. That the air was crisp, and it was sunny, and the leaves were beginning to change color. That three days earlier, we heard a fast, little heartbeat. And that over the next three days, my body would let that baby go.

It's been a year, for sure. Sometimes I feel like I may still never learn what God wanted to teach me through that experience. I feel stuck in the not knowing. Sometimes I feel like I have really started to grasp it....knowing the comfort of God and friends, standing on my Rock, hoping for the future. I am thankful that I have friends who are still willing to listen to me process out loud. I have those insecurities that people must surely be thinking, are we still talking about this? But, this is me. It is how I process. I write. I talk. I'm really not good at holding it all in.

I'm so glad to have reason to celebrate this time of year, this date again. I am happy.....excited...hopeful....falling in love with a new face. Yet, I know that I am forever changed by the two that I did not meet. I know there are many women in my life who have been changed by the ones that they never got to meet. That our hearts are connected in that way now....makes the remembering worth it.