Sunday, October 11, 2009

Worth It

Yesterday, I was in St. Louis for a weekend conference. Yesterday, October 10th. It was my sweet daddy's 64th birthday. It was also a year from the day of my miscarriage. I was in business meetings all day long, so it didn't give me lots of time to spend mental energy on the remembering.

I'm so glad that the timing of my pregnancy has worked out as it has. When I wrote out the weeks on my calendar and realized I would be right around the 19-20 week mark this week, I was relieved. I knew I would either be able to get my ultrasound the week before or the week after the miscarriage anniversary. I wanted have something good to remember at this time. I want to look at that day on the calendar and remember it as a day to celebrate my dad's birthday. Or to know that we were just starting to identify with the baby girl inside of me. I want that day to have something sweet again.

Yet, I do want to remember. I want to remember the events surrounding that day....that we were planning to go to a fall break cookout at a friends house. That I had marinated deer meat the night before to be grilled. That I had made persimmon pudding to take to my dad for his birthday. That the air was crisp, and it was sunny, and the leaves were beginning to change color. That three days earlier, we heard a fast, little heartbeat. And that over the next three days, my body would let that baby go.

It's been a year, for sure. Sometimes I feel like I may still never learn what God wanted to teach me through that experience. I feel stuck in the not knowing. Sometimes I feel like I have really started to grasp it....knowing the comfort of God and friends, standing on my Rock, hoping for the future. I am thankful that I have friends who are still willing to listen to me process out loud. I have those insecurities that people must surely be thinking, are we still talking about this? But, this is me. It is how I process. I write. I talk. I'm really not good at holding it all in.

I'm so glad to have reason to celebrate this time of year, this date again. I am happy.....excited...hopeful....falling in love with a new face. Yet, I know that I am forever changed by the two that I did not meet. I know there are many women in my life who have been changed by the ones that they never got to meet. That our hearts are connected in that way now....makes the remembering worth it.


Anonymous said...

Love you! Alison

MamaS said...

I, too, remembered Dad's last birthday and wondered what your thinking would be about this year. I am so glad you have gone past all of the "milestones" of your miscarriage...each date that jumped out from the calendar as a reminder. I am happy that you and Paul have chosen to know this baby by name. Already this weekend, Abigail and I talked about Sadie ...spelled her name on the fridge, and tried to figure out what she was doing at the time....I think Abigail feels a calm too....Everything she talked about was, "....I just LOVE......." We had such a wonderful time together. So many are lifting you and Sadie in prayer....she will grow, she will be born at the right time, and she will be a child of God....lovingly taught by her Mama, her Daddy, and her BIG SISTER. He DOES have the little tiny baby in His Hands, Amy June.

amypfan said...

Oh, Amy, you state so beautifully the things that all of us who have been there feel. I have my ultrasound this Friday, and I'm hoping for as good of news as you got!

Debra said...

Sadie... an unexpected name choice from you (not a bad thing cause I totally love it ;)) but I am completely in love with little Sadie and praying for her often and for you my sweet friend. Writing about your journey through miscarriages has touched some hearts and I am so glad you have been honest and deliberate about sharing the pain and joys in your life. Love ya!

Stacey said...

Amy, I'm so glad to have met you this past year. I thought of you and your sweet babies today, and my heart mourns those little ones that we haven't gotten to hold. I know how much an experience like that changes you, and I will never tire of listening to you work through those feelings. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that you "listen" as I do the same.

I'm so glad that you enjoyed and celebrated your dad's birthday. And I know that, at the same time, your heart remembered.