Inside the Parsonage

Fall Happenin's

2011-10-22T14:23:00.002-05:00

Let's do a little October catch-all, shall we? We have had some great fun over the last few weeks as a family. Halloween is looming ahead, and can I just say, I'm awful at Halloween. I'm not all that creative, and I throw a costume together at the last minute, and usually about two kids come to our house to trick-or-treat. Let's just move on to the holidays, m'kay?

We went to Memphis a few weeks ago. Paul and I were going for a conference, but it was also a four-day weekend for Abigail, so we decided to take the girls along with a friend to watch them. When our conference ended, we made sure to see the Peabody ducks take their march on the red carpet, rode the old trolley to Beale Street and back, and ate some yummy BBQ. Our family rarely ever takes a "long" vacation (more than a couple of days) unless it is church-related, but we do love our little weekend getaways. It is just so much fun to go somewhere as a family for a few days and there is less packing involved.

My aunt and cousin, LeAnne, and her kids visited my parents' house last week from Arizona. It was so great to see them, even if it was a fast visit. Abigail and LeAnne's daughter became fast friends. I love seeing Abigail hit it off with relatives (even though the kid has never known a stranger).

We went to the Covered Bridge festival. We pretty much go for our annual Fall pics by the bridge and old mill, and for the killer Amish pretzels.

I've taken up an obsession with Pinterest. I find it becoming my late-night slow down before bed. I get into a pinning zone and find all kinds of crafts, tips, funny quotes. Paul smiles and rolls his eyes when I say, "Pinterest says.....". I'm pretty sure it has livened up our conversation, or at least has given me witty quotes to spring on him now and then.

Speaking of the internet, I have looked up home remedies for a couple of different ailments over the last month. Let me warn you, that if you look up home remedies, I have found that there will inevitably be someone who says, "I urinated on it, and it cleared up immediately!!" Side note: I did not use that home remedy.

You Know a Girl Has Issues

2011-09-01T11:11:00.002-05:00

You know you haven't really given completely into the whole kindergarten thing when a teeny, tiny part of you is glad your girl has a fever so she can stay home from school with you.

You know you wish you could take that back when you realize how grouchy and whiny a girl with a fever is.

You know you are probably taking this school thing a little too seriously when you about shed tears over the fact that your kid is Star of the Week and she is going to miss a day or two of being the Star. Hey, Star of the Week is a one-time deal, people.

You know you have found a good crockpot cookbook (Make it Fast, Cook it Slow) when you have made at least three recipes in two days out of it.

You know you feel a bit attached to said cookbook when you feel that your 19 friends who have liked Crockpot Girls are missing out on the "real" crockpot gem. (shudder...shake it off)

You know you are a truly confused person when you can't wait to break out the Fall clothes, but then you smell the leftover sunscreen on the swimsuit on the dryer and feel like you need to give Summer a big hug.

You know you have an 18-month-old when you feel a lump in your bra and your mind starts to race of all the things that could be wrong, and then you realize it is just a raisin that she somehow slipped in there when you weren't looking.

You know it's weird to not feel a raisin in your bra. Come on, we all know that's weird.

Delinquent

2011-08-31T13:39:00.002-05:00

I didn't really PLAN for my blog to get this far behind. I find I go in cycles with the whole writing thing. Sometimes I find it very fun, thoughtful, or therapeutic. Often, I find that whatever I want to say that is remotely blog-worthy can best be summed up in a two-sentence facebook status update.

So, I will just do a little catch-up post through the rest of our summer. Ah, summer, it feels like you were just here yesterday. Oh yeah, except for the fact it will be 1,000 degrees tomorrow.

Most of the rest of summer for our clan was pretty laid back. We swam. We stayed in the a/c a lot. We did fulfill almost all of Abigail's summer bucket list (except maybe for the late-night scavenger hunt). We made Ziploc ice cream, which was delicious. We took a few days right at the end to have lunch with my brother in Indy, visit our dear Jones' in Muncie, and stay at Paul's brother's house in Ft. Wayne. The last one was on Abigail's bucket list, so check. While in Muncie, we even rode a horse. Not on the bucket list, but totally should have been.

We are now full-swing into the second full week of kindergarten for Abigail. She loves it, and I have adjusted well, I think. That first week of dropping off was a doozy. I always would be fine once I was home and into my day. Just the dropping off broke my heart into a million pieces. Seeing her walk into that big school....and it's not that big a school. But I know she is doing well and having a great time with her friends. As of now, I still enjoy making her lunches and putting little notes in them to tell her how much I love her. Ask me in January if I am still loving lunches and consistently putting love notes in....

I also have to get used to Sadie and me going places by ourselves. The first couple of times, I had to remind myself I did not leave Abigail at home by herself. But Sadie and I are enjoying the one-on-one time....something Abigail got A LOT of before little sis came along, so now it's Sadie's turn.

So, all is well, and we haven't disappeared! I have just been a boring little blogger. Maybe I will get back on track now that I have quiet afternoon naps in the house again....maybe.

Wishes--a Vacation Recap

2011-07-02T11:34:00.007-05:00

With Paul on vacation this week, we got to spend the last couple of days on a little getaway overnight to Brown County and Bloomington. We love going down to Bloomington for the day to explore, and thought it would be even more fun to add the rustic fun of shopping in Little Nashville to the adventure.

When we had gone into Nashville for dinner on Thursday, Abigail had seen a little wishing pond. As does any five-year-old, she is so intrigued by the idea of a wishing well and does not take that throwing of the penny lightly. Her wishes are serious business. We were in the thick of the hunt for dinner on Thursday, so I didn't want to take the time to fish out a penny right then, but told her we would be back the next day and she could wish then.

Of course, an elephant and a little girl never forget, so that was one of the first things she asked to do when we got into Nashville the next morning. Well, after a visit to the candy store.

I reached into my purse and produced a penny sufficient for wishing. She stood there...forever...just staring at the pond, grasping tightly to that penny. Being the impatient parents that we are, Paul and I both asked if she was ever going to make her wish. With a sigh and throwing her hands in the air, she said, "I don't know what to wish for. I mean, I don't know what to wish for that I don't know will come true. Like, I wish to be married. I wish to be twelve. But I know those things will come true. I don't know what to wish for that I don't know will come true."

I asked her if she needed us to walk away and give her some thinking space. Then, just like that, she threw in the penny. She turned around and grinned at me. I asked, "Did you get one?"

She excitedly whispered her wish in my ear and made me promise not to tell. So I won't. But considering it may or may not involve getting a dog, and considering her mama is anti-pooch, then she's right. She doesn't know it will come true. A true wish. But the fact that she wished it might bend Mommy's iron-clad will....in a few more years.

Monday Morning 'Lights?--A Little Late

2011-06-27T10:05:00.005-05:00

Thanks to the fact that I was not home most of the weekend and I am dysfunctional and totally dependent on my husband in knowing how to get the pictures from the camera to the computer, I'm a couple of days late on my recap of last week. But, it was a pretty good week, so late is okay!

1. I guess we ate some chocolate at one point (or ten). See? I would forget such important things as eating chocolate if not for Sadie's face to remind me.

2. We had a really fun night at the library. It was Furry Friends Night, and the girls each took a stuffed animal to the library. They chose Monkalicious and Little Pig. The animals got to have a slumber party that night at the library and were picked up the next morning. I heard they did exciting things like learn about the Dewey Decimal System at midnight.

Abigail and Monkalicious listen to Miss Alissa read "Puff, the Magic Dragon."

3. We visited our sweet friend Kylene and her new baby. Oh, and ate at Culvers. No picture, but worth mentioning.

Sadie plays "This Little Piggy" with baby's toes.

4. They had outdoor fun with Papa. We had planned to leave the girls with my mom and dad for the weekend while we were at a conference, but Memaw got sick, so we sequestered her to a corner room and spent some fun in the sun with Papa and his garden.

5. Oh, and Abigail made a summer bucket list. We had better get busy.

Paul is on vacation from work this week, so I think we will have some day trips and maybe even an overnighter somewhere fun! Looking forward to next week's pictures!

Baffled

2011-06-22T20:31:00.002-05:00

Sometimes you just have to write a blog for posterity, so you don't forget. And for posterity's sake, I would like to remember that my daughter, Sadie, is a flat-out Stinker.

She has become very independent lately, and is definitely in the stage of wanting to do things herself. She steals the fork and spoon from my hand and will not give it back, no matter how messy the result. She arches her back in protest when it is time to get into her carseat. And if there is anything in general she does not want to do, she immediately crumples into a ball on the floor.

For about a month, she has fought diaper changes by me like crazy. She screams. She cries. She rolls over and puts her little booty up in the air. She crawls away from me. And she is learning that there are consequences for the way she is choosing to act.

But then there is the EASY way. You know what that is? Let Abigail do it.

If we say, "Sadie, do you want Sissy to change your diaper?" she immediately falls down on the floor and throws her little legs up in the air. She grins through the entire diaper change. And Abigail REVELS in the Big Girl-ness of it all. Tonight, Sadie squealed in protest when Paul told her it was time for diaper change and jammies. But then he asked if Abigail could do it, and Sadie squealed in delight.

Abigail did the job, multiple times today, like the little mama that she is, with such pride. Sadie grinned the whole time, either telling us she loves her Sissy, or telling us she is a 15-month-old Stinker. I vote for the latter.

Friday Night 'Lights--6/17/11

2011-06-17T22:38:00.006-05:00

Well, hello. Has it been another week already? Besides our one big event yesterday, I'm going to have to think this one through. Ever try to remember what you ate for dinner last night, but have no clue whatsoever? That is kind of the blank I'm drawing this week.

Think, think, think.

1. Last weekend, Sadie had a 3-day fever. A trip to the doctor said it was probably just a little virus, and now she is all better. But this was one poor baby for a while.
(I had a picture of her looking pathetic on the couch, but couldn't find it. So, this was mid-fever, trying to get some fresh air outside.)

2. I found my inner Susie Homemaker. I do this every once in a while...find recipes and crafts and ideas that inspire me. I stumbled upon some really cool blogs this week, and it has boosted my desire to make home a little homier. Homey. Word.
I've made frozen banana pops with melted peanut butter chocolate. And some amazing spaghetti sauce. And pureed and froze my first zucchini of the season, for when the time is right.

3. I weaned Sadie. :( She will be 16 months next week, so I would say we had a good run. I would have been happy to keep going, but I needed to start on some medication to help my rosacea on my face, and I could not take it while nursing. It better be some effective medicine, because once you close that chapter of babyhood, you can't get it back. I have loved being able to feed both of my girls. Sadie occasionally points to her mouth and says, "Eeeh?" and then does the signs for "More, please." And I pretty much want to cry.
We will be okay. I just remind myself that we had to end eventually and pray my face clears up in about 5.7 seconds.

4. Aaaaaaand, we went to Holiday World!!! It was the second time for Paul, the first for all of us girls. We had a wonderful time and it was pretty perfect weather. Paul entered a bunch of contests, determined to get free tickets for our family, and he did!! He and I would love to go back sometime when we can ride all of the big, scary rides. But for yesterday, the carousel was perfect.

5. This was still from Holiday World, but may sincerely be one of my favorite pictures we have. Some day I will show this to them when Sadie steals some of Abigail's clothes without asking.

Friday Night 'Lights--6/10/11

2011-06-11T01:00:00.008-05:00

Week 2 of summer highlights....feel free to check out my friend Lindsay's blog!

Summer got it's "official" kick-off this week as we started our Moms and Kids weekly fun. This is something we have done the last few years with ladies from our church...swimming on Tuesdays and McDonald's Playplace on Thursdays.

Aside: One little tip about me. I'm a true...what's the word?....wet blanket when it comes to swimming. I prefer it to be about 90+ degrees, and the water to be about 84. I know and believe in the necessity of sunscreen, but bemoan the application therein. I hate....hate....being splashed in the face. Not because of hair or make-up or anything like that. I just truly hate the feeling of water smacking me in the face. And it annoys me that you cannot just GO swimming. You have to get the cover-ups and the snacks and the ice water and the sunscreen and the floaties and the towels and the hats to cover bald baby heads. And the kids. Don't forget the kids. So yeah, I would say swimming is a weekly sacrifice of love for my kids in the summer. Why? Because THEY LOVE IT.

Sadie discovered her glamorous life.

And blew kisses at Daddy while he mowed.

They splashed in the ISU fountain while Mommy took pictures. It was SO fun!

Oh, and Abigail officially became a Princess this week, thanks to the county fair. She and her buddy Liane waved and blew kisses like pros.

I truly delighted in my daughters this week. Seriously, so many times I just looked at them and felt all googly-eyed and butterflies in my stomach and I'm crazy about them. That is a feeling that can really carry a Mama through a few days.

So, maybe I fell really....really behind on my laundry this week. But I fell totally in love with my family.

Doing Hard Things

2011-06-07T19:22:00.002-05:00

Last week, I was getting Abigail some breakfast. Or rather, she was getting her breakfast and I was butting in. Or something like that. I had poured her bowl of cereal, and then she said, "I want to pour on the milk."

Pause. I have a confession to make. I do way too much for Abigail. Not because she wants me to or asks me to, but because it is easier for me. I know things are less likely to get spilled. I know it will happen a lot faster. I know shampoo will be rinsed out better, hair will be brushed smoother, an entire cupful of chocolate syrup will not be dumped into the milk. It just makes my life easier, even though it may not be teaching her all of the independence she should have at age five.

That being said, I don't know if I did it consciously or not, but I went ahead and poured the milk on the cereal. I know I heard her say it, but I just did it anyway.

She said, "MOMMY! I JUST said I wanted to pour the milk!!"

"I know. I don't know why I poured it. I'm sorry."

"You need to let me learn to pour it. I'm learning to do hard things."

I think that sentence may be one of the most profound things that she has said. I said, "Where did you hear that....'doing hard things'.....school?"

Thoughtfully, slowly, she said, "Nooo....I just.....need to learn to do hard things."

Yesterday I had wonderful lunch with my pastor's wife from my growing up years, Barb. I was sharing about a year's worth of catching up with her, the amount of time that had lapsed since our last visit. I was soaking up her experience as a pastor's wife of 40-plus years, and thinking about all that I have to learn still.

I shared the story of what Abigail had said and we had a good laugh. At the same time we both said, "Don't we all need to learn to do the hard things?"

Hopefully I can be better at letting go with Abigail, at letting her figure out how to do things independently. At letting her do the things that are hard to her, even though they are easier to me. What a picture of our own walks in life, in our relationship with Jesus! There are so many things He could do for us, but where would the lesson be? How would we be stronger or better or more mature if our Lord did it for us? Thank you, Lord, for the hard things!

Friday Night 'Lights....On Sunday

2011-06-05T14:56:00.003-05:00

My friend Lindsay has started a fun, bloggy thing called "Friday Night 'Lights". I have never watched that football show, though I always hear people RAVE about it. It is what inspired Lindsay, though our "'Lights" are actually summer highlights. It is just a chance to show a weekly recap of the summer fun we've been having with our families. I'm all for posterity, and I'm all for summer fun, so here is my recap of the week! I will include pictures when I can, but some things will not have them. Even though pictures are way more fun.

1. We spent Memorial Day weekend celebrating with college friends and family. And discovered Hebrew National hot dogs, which easily kick every other hot dog's butt.

2. Paul and I celebrated our 9th anniversary. I'm sure next year we will do something big and awesome, but I'd say we dated well this week. And we ate really, really well. The girls even spent one night at Memaw and Papa's, so it was like a getaway in our own house.

Paul shows off the Christina Plate at George's Cafe...our Mediterranean lunch after visiting the farmer's market. Look at that plate of feta cheese. Be still my heart.

I ate George's Specialty...Dolmas, baba ganoush, and hummus. It felt like the right thing to do.

On our anniversary, walking on ISU's campus where it all began. Don't we look like young, fresh college students in love?

3. We played Legos.

Had a Daddy-Daughter car wash.

And learned how to walk in Big Sissy's high heels.

4. Abigail went fishing with her Papa. She learned about "The One That Got Away" and did not think that was very cool.

5. Abigail learned to be thankful for a Sno-Cone.....or you go home without a Sno-Cone.

6. We went swimming as a family, which means it was Officially Hot, because Amy only goes swimming when it is Officially Hot.

What a very fun week it was! I love summer with my family, and I look forward to sharing it with you!

Love Is...

2011-05-09T11:20:00.003-05:00

When I was little, I remember looking through my mom's wedding album. Interspersed with wedding pictures and invitations, there were little cartoons from the 1970s called "Love Is...".

I thought the little couple in the comic strip was so cute, and they just fit so perfectly in my Mama's wedding album.

This weekend, I thought of a few of my own "Love is...." moments.
1. Love is a husband who takes the bathroom sink apart at 1:00 a.m. because you just lost your ninety-dollar contact down the drain. Thankfully for our budget (but kind of gross at the same time), we have had a very stopped-up drain for a while, so he figured the contact had to have gotten stuck. He was right, and I've never been so happy to find a gunky contact in my life. Such love....

2. Love is spending the day with your family at some of your favorite places. No schedule. Just together.

3. Love is a five-year-old girl who goes to Walmart with her daddy and picks out a necklace for her mommy for Mother's Day. It is a silver heart with pink rhinestones around the edge and says "Mom". And it has matching silver heart earrings with pink stones in the middle. And she gives it to her mommy, thinking it is the most beautiful piece of jewelry ever.

4. Love is the mommy who wears the necklace and earrings to church on Mother's Day, thinking it is the most beautiful piece of jewelry ever. Even if it cost five dollars and very well may cause her ears to have an allergic reaction.

5. Love is my own Mama who lets me spend Mother's Day with my husband and girls and tells me to have fun.

6. Love is an older lady at church who I admire so much, giving Abigail a book about mothers that her son had given her when he was a boy, and telling Abigail to give it to me. And inside was tucked some money for us to go out to eat because she is just one of the most thoughtful people I know.

7. Love is a husband who misses his mom so much on his first Mother's Day without her, yet does about a million things to make it a special day for his wife.

8. Love is a styrofoam cup of wildflowers picked by your daughter's Sunday School teacher to give to all the mommies.

9. Love is hurting for a friend who miscarried a couple of weeks ago and knowing the path she is walking right now.

10. Love is rejoicing for friends who have newborn babies at home right now.

Most of all, love is coming to the end of weekend and believing you could possibly be blessed beyond measure.

Time

2011-05-05T11:25:00.002-05:00

Do you feel like you are pushing against time? Either it is moving too fast or too slow for your liking (I think too fast is usually the consensus). I've been struck lately with the passing of time and realizing that it is one thing we cannot control. What we DO with the time, yes, but the passing of it in general, no.

Time has always baffled me. There are some things that will just never really make sense in my mind, but I just accept them. Honestly, I don't really "get" how time works....time zones, mostly. I know it has to do with the sun and the moon and the earth's rotation. Whatever. Other things I don't understand? How faxes work. Why the country can't just print more money if we need it so badly. How Abigail remembers details from when she was two. It's okay if you think I obviously missed some really important lessons in school. I'm good with the not understanding.

I have been learning about God being outside the confines of time. And I think by learning this seemingly simple, yet profound, concept, we can understand the character of God better. I remember Paul preaching about this once. He kind of drew a line with his hands to show Time from beginning to end. Then he showed how we are somewhere in that line. Then he showed how he was standing outside of it, like God being able to look at the line and see the beginning to the end. He was outside of it.

Our church is currently in the process of building. It is seven years in, and we are getting to the point of having to make some pretty big decisions. A friend of mine, a wonderful prayer partner, emailed me the other day to tell me that as she had prayed for our church, it was impressed upon her that God already knew the decisions that needed to be made for our church. It wasn't our job to "make" the decisions, only to discern them from God's plans. His plans had been set for our church before the foundations of the world because GOD IS OUTSIDE OF TIME. He wasn't waiting for this moment, for these few years, to start the planning process. We didn't get the idea to add on to the church and ask God to climb on board. This was part of the plan BEFORE TIME.

My friend Mandi passed away on Saturday from a battle with cancer. She was only 34. She leaves behind a husband and two young kids, tons of family, and friends who will miss her dearly. We don't understand why someone as faithful and loving as Mandi would have to leave this earth so soon. Didn't she have so much left to do? There are so many questions as we grasp to know why. But God...He is outside of Time. He could see before she was born when her task would be finished. And even though her physical task is now finished, we know that God can see all of time....years ahead, and people who will continue to be changed because she lived. Time has not stopped. We grieve because we cannot see what He can.

I am finding comfort in a God of heaven and earth who exists outside of Time. He is not limited by us or by worldly events or circumstances. He is not surprised by our ideas, our illnesses, our questions. That makes me know I don't have to understand it all, and to me, that is comfort.

Wildnerness Mama

2011-03-31T11:13:00.002-05:00

Last year, after having Sadie, there were times when I felt a little bit like I was sinking. And that was so hard for me because I had done this whole baby thing before with Abigail. I was crazy about our new little one, and still felt all of those "fluttery, make-me-melt" feelings when I looked at her as I did when Abigail was a baby. There was nothing about having Sadie that made me love my role as a mommy any differently than I did the first time around.

And yet, I felt like life was chaotic, at least in my own mind. It felt like all of the little tasks of the day that should be considered normal were suddenly giants in front of me. Laundry? Toys on the floor? Getting the kids ready to go swimming? Time to feed the baby again? It felt like ocean waves in my ears. My confidence as a mother was plummeting quickly, and I was listening to little whispers of lies in my head saying my home was no better off that day for me having been there.

Then a friend of mine told me a story that has since brought a smile to my face many times....not necessarily because I have considered it, but because it shows the desperation a mother can feel sometimes. She told me about wives of the early American settlers who lived out on vast frontiers....no neighbors, no family, no Wal-Marts for miles. Their husbands would go off in search of gold, or to hunt, or to, um, settle things, and leave for weeks or even months at a time. They were home with kids. Lots of kids. No electricity. No running water. No McDonald's Playplaces. Every possible chore you could think of with none of the helpful appliances we have today to accomplish them. And they would lose it. They would just wander off in the vast wilderness around them, never to return again.

Okay, that is so depressing. And sad. But I told this story to my friend, Angie, and it has provided a quick little synopsis of what we see around us, or even how we may feel that day.

"She just wandered off into the woods."

"She chose the wilderness."

"It's a wander to the woods kind of day."

And we laugh at how silly that seems, take a deep breath, and get back to the (comparatively, to pioneer women) cushy, piece-of-cake work of our day. But we feel a little bit better knowing that we wouldn't really ever wander off into the wilderness.

This morning I was reading in Acts chapter 13 about when Paul addresses the Jews in the synagogue in Antioch. He is telling them the story of God delivering His people to the Promised Land, the lineage of David, and Jesus being sent as Savior. And he said these words, "And for about forty years, He put up with them in the wilderness." (v. 18)

Some translations say "He carried them in the wilderness." But I LOVE that my translation says God "put up with them" in the wilderness. Not because it was a proud moment (or forty years) for God's chosen people. Not because God was pleased. I'm quite sure He was not. But I love seeing God as Deliverer....that no matter what your "wilderness" moment (or forty years) is, God is NOT DONE.

My prayer is for more moms....working outside the home, working inside the home, whatever....to be strengthened in their wilderness moments. To NOT wander off in the wilderness to never be seen again. Let's look to God as our strength that whether you feel lost right now or not, God is a patient God. He can carry us, and thank goodness, He can PUT UP with us. Let that encourage you today and make you smile as it did for me.

I'm So Glad I'm a Part....

2011-03-08T15:38:00.004-06:00

In Sunday School the other day, our class was looking at a list of major life happenings and discussing how we would categorize them....world events, family, or personal. The list was extensive, including everything from war to the death of a loved one to financial pressure. There were good things, like an addition to the family or a graduation. And there were many, many stressful things.

Our teacher asked if anyone wanted to share personal experience of anything on the list that had affected them over the last year. It was pretty much crickets at that point. No one really jumping in to say, "Ooooh, me! I've got a major life catastrophe I want to share!"

Let me pause here to say that I do think we have a fairly close-knit Sunday School class. We are friends outside of church, we generally know what is going on in each other's life. We pray for each other. I can definitely vouch that they have shown my family great love through many things over the last few years.

One girl in our class answered (I guess she was the only brave one) and told about her parents going through a divorce and how it is affecting her and all of her siblings. And I admit...I had no idea.

I pointed out another thing on the list to my friend sitting next to me and quietly said, "I dealt with that last year." She touched my arm and with surprise in her voice said, "I didn't know that! I wish you had said something!"

And then it hit me....this is my church family. These are my friends....truly, my dear friends. And the rest of the class, possibly for embarrassment, or guilt, or sadness, or maybe just not wanting to "get into it" for lack of class time, stayed quiet about the list. Yet I know that the list was long, and I know that we all had faced at least one thing on it, if not many more. But how many of us knew? How many had known what our friends, our brothers and sisters, had gone through over the last year? Financial trouble? Job changes? Family members with sickness? Marriage issues? Babies, teenagers, and everything in between?

I realized I did not know what my friend was going through, and I was sorry. I realized I had not shared my struggles last summer as I faced life changes of having a baby and losing Paul's mom. I could not expect my friends to help pray for me and carry my burdens when I had not shared them. I just wondered how many of us are walking this walk relatively alone. Maybe we have shared with a spouse or a parent or one trusted friend. Maybe we don't want to lay all of our struggles out on the line for everyone to know about.

But how would that change us as a church? How could that transform our friendships, even those outside of our church? How much better could it be to link arms with people who love us and face those winds and storms of life together? Or even just to sit down in the dirt with them, to grieve or cry or pray? Or to truly, openly rejoice at life's celebrations?

It just opened my eyes a little bit, knowing that as a pastor's family, we are not void of our own struggles and sadnesses, but how often I hold myself back from sharing them with people who truly care. I really hope that this helped me see how I can trust my church family more, and I hope that they will do the same....because this life is hard, and God never meant for us to face it alone.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
⁹Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.

¹⁰For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.

¹¹Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but ^A)">(A)how can one be warm alone?

¹²And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.

Milestones

2011-03-01T09:23:00.002-06:00

Hello, my friends. It has been a month since I have blogged. I wish I had more bloggable moments, but February was....ICE, then SNOW, then RECORD HIGH TEMPS. It was just about all I could do to keep up on a daily basis.

I do feel like the last week has had some big moments in the Cooper home, though, so it definitely is worth sharing. If nothing else, for the posterity.

Sadie Grace had her first birthday on the 24th. It was a fairly normal, uneventful day around the house, but I'm not sure she knew or cared anyway. I think she kept looking at us like we were crazy that we kept busting out in song around her. We went out that night as a family, and pretty much just bought bedding for Abigail's new big girl bed, so you know, Abigail made out GREAT on Sadie's birthday.

Speaking of big girl beds, we now have one. A big girl...and her bed. I found a twin headboard and footboard at a yard sale last fall for ten bucks, and then was just waiting on tax time to buy all of the accompaniments....mattress, boxspring, new bedding, etc. All that to say, the lustre of a ten dollar yard sale purchase starts to dull when you add up all of the other things. She slept in it the first time on Friday, and has made a seamless transition. Which means she really IS a big girl.

Sadie has taken her first steps over the last week. We've done a poor job documenting it (2nd child syndrome, I guess). It's just, with Abigail, it was such a definite "sit on the floor with the camera and take your first steps" moment. With Sadie, it has been a little step here, two little steps there, and everyone seeing them at different times. But for sure, she is taking steps. I give her one week until she's a pro.

Sadie had her birthday party on Sunday with both sides of our family. We had a great time and she tried her first heavenly taste of chocolate. She was a pretty dainty eater, and only got "slightly" messy. Not the all out, cra-zazy messy we were hoping for. She also tried her first whole milk yesterday. She did not seem overly impressed.

Abigail came running out of her room last night, tooth in hand. She said "My tooth laid back on my tongue and I didn't like how it felt so I moved it. Then it was laying ON my tongue. And I took it out." Well, that was easy. She was SUPER excited that the tooth fairy would be visiting her that night. She did come, and she left a card and a dollar. Of course, Paul had to point out that he never got that much for a tooth. We are thinking first tooth is a dollar, and maybe 50 cents after that. I mean, the tooth fairy mentioned that. Is she cheap, or is that keeping up?

Now comes the question on whether it is time to wind down on nursing. With Abigail, I nursed for a year, and then slowly took about two months to wean. I figured I would do the same with Sadie. But Sadie seems so much more like a baby still to me. Abigail was one big chunk of girl at this age (and usually off the charts on weight and height) while Sadie has stayed just about average in the 50th percentile. She is totally healthy, just more "petite". She just "feels" like a baby still. I don't know....I will probably start to slow down soon. But then again, nursing gives me a chance to sit down for 15 minutes and watch tv. And how in the world would I know what a crazy hot mess Charlie Sheen is without those special nursing moments?

Wow, those sure are some milestones. It has been a busy, special week around our house! I'm sure there will be lots of pictures once Paul gets them on the computer. Oh yeah, he had his second hand surgery in the midst of all of this, so he's having some special moments of his own. Ah, these are the moments.

A Mother's Thoughts

2011-01-27T14:55:00.002-06:00

These are random thoughts that cross a Mom's mind at any given point during the day. Trust me, I bet any mom who reads this has thought these things, too.....

If I have to wipe her nose one more time....trust me, sweetie, it's no picnic for me, either. (as she screams bloody murder)

That's weird. I don't remember feeding her corn. (guess what I was doing when I had this thought)

I guess them being sick isn't too bad. At least they cuddle more.

If I could nap....or be by myself....for 45 minutes....

I totally overreacted on that one. I wonder if she will remember that when she's 40.

Why is it that her dad and I have taught her everything she knows for the first four and a half years, but school gets all the credit?

Why is it when I ask specific questions about her morning at school, I get vague, general answers, but when her Papa asks her what she learned, he gets a five-minute dissertation on how ladybugs hibernate during the winter?

How is is possible that she hated that food two days ago, and now loves it? Or that she loved that food two days ago, and now won't take a bite of it?

How do you get through motherhood and still refrain from becoming addicted to caffeine?

Will my living room ever look the same again?

How can I stop time? I'm not sure I can take one more birthday.

There are some things I would never buy my daughters, but I know they will receive them anyway....Polly Pockets, Barbie accessories (namely, shoes and earrings), Littlest Pet Shop, anything that makes noise.

Whoever thought up a nasal aspirator had a good heart and intentions, but was pretty brainless when it comes to an 11-month-old.

Thank you, God, for fresh starts. Because sometimes Mama needs them as much as a five-year-old.

Blogless in Seattle

2011-01-10T16:15:00.004-06:00

Oh, hey. I just remembered I have a blog. I guess I should be like most bloggers and tell you all about our holidays, but....meh. They were good.

Hey, how about a list of things lately?

1. My husband broke his hand playing football. Now, you can imagine the reason I'm so sad about this is because HE WON'T BE PLAYING FOOTBALL. Yes, I'm heartbroken. He's been playing with a group of guys on Saturday mornings for years. I guess it was just a matter of time. Oh, he will try to act all bummed and put out over it, but don't think he didn't get that cd of x-rays in his hot little bandaged hand and post those pictures on facebook STAT. Priorities, people.

Honestly, I just like to picture him pounding the pulpit with a cast.

2. I've been babysitting two kids in addition to my two, so yes, your math is correct, I am caring for four. Only twice a week, so it's definitely doable. The boy is Abigail's age, and the girl is also named Sadie and born one week before my Sadie. So I basically have twins with the same name. Except my Sadie is still bald as an eagle, and the other Sadie has thick, black pigtails. PIGTAILS. I do think I've seen my Sadie trying to touch them longingly.

3. I began organizing our tax things last night. Just began to, so don't praise me or anything. It is annually my job to do all of the organizing ahead and Paul's job to actually do the taxes. I think my job is harder. In some strange way, though, I kind of like the organizing part. It feels good. But every year, I think I am going to stay on top of it all year through and not put it off until January. But then I do. Put it off til January, that is.

4. Sadie is learning all sorts of things lately. She is SO close to standing on her own without hanging on to anything. She cruises everywhere around the room. She points to her tongue, nose, eyes, hair, and ears (though her favorite is definitely her tongue). She tries to say "Abigail" but it usually sounds like "A-gah" or "A-bi". She makes me melt all the time....except for last night when she decided midnight to 2:30 a.m. was party time. The only thing melting then were my dreams of getting a full night of sleep.

5. We have a chili cook-off coming up at my church, which I am super excited about. I love chili cook-offs because NO ONE makes chili the same. Which leads me to ask, how do you make yours? Beany? Soupy? Thick? Spicy? Sweet? With spaghetti?

That is all. Hugs.

Guest Post

2010-12-19T21:11:00.002-06:00

I had the opportunity to write a guest post for my sweet friend Lindsay's blog. I love reading Lindsay's blog regularly...it challenges me and encourages me and gives me a good laugh now and then. Oh, and she sings really purty, too. So check out my blog over there, and read some of her posts while you're at it!

They Say It's My Birthday...

2010-12-15T09:39:00.002-06:00

.....and I'm 32, yeah.

I love birthdays. I love them for other people. I love mine. I love being a December baby. When I was in college, my birthday was always during finals week, and everyone would stay up all night studying, and then do fun things like make pancakes in the lounge at 3:00 a.m. And I pretended it was a week-long celebration with my friends. I loved it.

Now I have a husband and two little girls. Sadie has no clue yet what a birthday is. Abigail totally does, and she even managed to pause the countdown to hers (in six more days) to celebrate mine a bit.

I don't know what all this day will have in store. But it will be a good one, because I am with three of my favorite people in the world.

Oh my GaGa

2010-12-07T14:21:00.002-06:00

Last night, I was holding a feverish Sadie in my lap and Abigail and I were watching "The Sing-Off" on tv. If you have not seen this show (and this was my first time), you have got to watch this Wednesday. It showcases acapella groups from around the country performing all kinds of amazing hits. I'm in love.

One of the groups was a group of fifteen guys called On the Rocks from Oregon. They performed the tightest, sassiest version of "Bad Romance" by Lady GaGa, and it rocked. We've been humming the song since then, and had said several times that those guys did a great job singing Lady GaGa.

So today, Abigail told me that her teacher Miss Karmen asked her what her favorite song was. Her reply? "I told her Lady GaGa." Awesome. Lady GaGa is quite a performer, but I kind of lean toward the thinking that my almost-five-year-old is better off listening to Slugs and Bugs and Lullabies.

Paul and I explained (after a good laugh) to Abigail that Lady GaGa is not a song, but a singer. A singer who has fun songs, but is pretty weird. And likes to wear dresses made of raw meat.
After showing her pictures of Miss GaGa and her outlandish clothes, including the meat dress, Abigail said, "Gross. She needs to take a shower."

I told her to stick with the music she knows when her teacher asks her next time.

Again With the Thankfulness

2010-11-15T11:27:00.003-06:00

Okay, so weekly thanks are about as good as I am mustering up these days. It isn't that I am not thankful. I am. I just prefer to store it up and then do a sort of thankful explosion all up in your face. It's fun that way.

1. I'm thankful for Abigail's sensitivity...sometimes. Twice this week, she has cried while watching a movie. Currently, it's Care Bears. I love that her heart is that sensitive. I'm also thankful that I can confidently tell her that movies like "Madeline" and "Care Bear's Rescue" have happy endings.

2. The guys from the city who vacuum up the leaves. I don't know what your city is like, but in ours, if we rake a nice, leafy border along the side of the road, the city guys come through with a monstrous vacuum and suck them up. We still have to bag what falls in our fenced area...BOO. But I am thankful for that loud, sucky vacuum.

3. Wasabi peas. They are my latest snack craving. I bought some on Saturday at WalMart, and have eaten almost the entire thing in two days. And it was no small container. I love the crunch. I love the way my sinuses feel like they will explode when I get an especially horseradish-y one. Yum.

4. God's Word. I have a friend whom I particularly love who is going through some tough stuff right now. I love reading God's Word and not only being comforted by it myself, but also able to relate it to what my friend is facing. And knowing that God can save us. Word.

5. People who like to hold my baby. I love taking Sadie to church and having people come up and just grab her out of my arms. I love knowing that she is somewhere in the church building, in the loving, cradling arms of a lady who loves to cuddle babies.

6. You. Yeah, I said it. I'm thankful for you.

Yep, that'll do it for today. Or for this week. Trust me, I'm thankful.

Monday Thanks

2010-11-08T09:49:00.002-06:00

I have never jumped on the blogging and/or Facebook status bandwagon of a month of giving thanks. I like reading what others write, and sometimes I even go "Shoot, I wish I had written that first." But I didn't. So here we are, November, and I have a few things to be thankful for. In no particular order or reverence.

1. My husband....and his vacation. Paul took his week of vacation days last week and it. was. wonderful. I know, I know, he works about 30 yards from our house and I can take the girls over to see him any time I want. He can pick up Abigail from preschool. He comes home for lunch every day. I totally get the fact that I am ultimately blessed by my husband's job....in it's flexibility, proximity, and a bunch of great people who come along with it. But, hey, a vacation is still a vacation. Even if we were not sunning ourselves on the sands of Florida, I loved our little daytime trips last week. Our lunches out. Our free evening at the Children's Museum. Having him home in the mornings when I felt like I needed one more hour of sleep. I love him. And his job. And his vacation from that job.

2. Okay, this is kind of about my husband again, but on a different note. I love that he knows how to be the daddy to girls. Yes, I know that he longs for a boy to join our family with whom he can watch the Cardinals and WWE and toss a baseball in the backyard. I know that would be a whole different kind of daddy experience for him. But yesterday I walked into the living room, and he and Abigail were getting married. I walked in during the vow portion of the ceremony. And they had decorated the living room. And already had eaten their cake (real cake). He is SO GOOD at oooh-ing and aaaahhh-ing over sparkles and tutus and Sunday dresses. He is teaching these girls what a prince is, and I hope they remember that someday when they see some punk with a tattoo and feel a flutter in their stomach. Grrr.

3. Coffee Mate....the holiday ones. I am a flavored coffee girl. I drink it decaf, so for me, it is all about the flavor and the warmth, not about the energy. And I have had the Peppermint Stick and am now on Sugar and Spice. And yum.

4. My mama. Because she is an awesome mama and an awesome Memaw. She makes me laugh with facebook comments and helps me in times of need. She works hard. She makes the best chocolate chip cookies. And cinnamon rolls. If I go more than a week without seeing her or having a good, long talk with her, I feel it. I always think I am sad that my girls are growing up so fast, but if we can just sit someday and have long talks as friends like I do with my mama now, then I can look forward to their growing up.

5. Gift cards. I had some leftover gift card money from when Sadie was born, so the other day I bought matching Christmas dresses for Sadie and Abigail. So cute. I pretty much never ever pay full price for any kids clothes because they outgrow them so fast. We only have hand-me-downs, or clearance rack, or Once Upon a Child. However, there are two things I am willing to pay full price for (as long as it is under 20 bucks)....Easter dresses and Christmas dresses. That's kind of silly when you think about it, because they will actually wear these less times than their regular clothes. It's just the thought of something new and pretty for those holidays that I can't resist. However, I did get to use gift card money toward the dresses the other day, which took the sting out of buying two dresses a little bit. Yay, Target gift cards. I heart you.

I will stop there for now. I'm sure I will have more lists later, so I won't use them all up. I can tell you one thing I am NOT thankful for today. My cat. She ate the leaves off of some flowers we were given AND the ribbon off a helium balloon from a baby shower yesterday, and I woke up to find three places she had thrown up in the living room. Today? I hate my cat. But I'm thankful for everything else...especially good carpet cleaner.

Matterin'

2010-10-26T10:47:00.005-05:00

When Reese Witherspoon received her Academy Award for the portrayal of June Carter Cash in the movie Walk the Line (hands down one of my favorites....one I will never pass up along with Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory and Dead Poet's Society), she said a quote that the original June was known for...."I'm just tryin' to matter."

I have to say, I remember pretty much 0.0 of any award acceptance speeches I have heard, but this one stuck, and I have thought of that quote over and over again. I love it. It probably would not rank up there as the most eloquent speech or the most self-assured, confident thought process. It could be seen as very humble or "fake humble", depending on the attitude of the person saying it.

There are days when it feels like you did nothing of great significance. Nothing that will have a movie made about your life, for sure. There are days here when I just do the usual...fold the laundry, balance the checkbook, nurse the baby, read to Abigail, make some dinner. Nothing stands out. Then there are days when I feel like, maybe if just for a moment, something important happened.....something worth marking on Sadie's calendar, typing out a blog, storing in my memory, giving Abigail high-fives over.

I know that as a follower of Christ, I am "more than a conqueror." I know that I am adopted, forgiven, redeemed. I know I have the opportunity to serve, love, forgive, encourage, teach, admonish, and edify in the name of my Savior. I know I am who God says I am. And that is enough for my heart to burst.

But I also know, in the most simple terms, that I agree with Ms. June Carter Cash. There is nothing wrong with "tryin' to matter." I pray this for my girls at night, among other blessings spoken over them, big dreams for their little lives. I pray for them to live lives of significance. Lives that matter. A life well-lived. Because it may be a simple prayer, but it is true....we all are just tryin' to matter.

Pumpkins

2010-10-18T15:04:00.003-05:00

I think there is just about nothing quite so cute as putting little kids amidst a bunch of pumpkins or fall leaves and taking pictures. Because pumpkins? Yeah, I've got a couple of them living in my house.

Rearview Mirror

2010-09-28T16:21:00.002-05:00

Today, Sadie and I dropped Abigail off at preschool and then Mama had a hankerin' for an Egg McMuffin, so we drove to Mickey D's. As we were driving, I looked in the rearview mirror at my sweet, chubby-cheeked seven (!!!)-month-old baby girl. She was mellow, watching the morning raindrops hit the rear windshield. She has one of those handy little mirrors on the backseat so I can gaze at her while she is still rear-facing in her carseat. We love that little mirror. We glance back to see her sleep, look out the window, chew on a toy, laugh like crazy at her big sis in the seat next to her. It is precious to watch her.

Funny thing is, she doesn't know we are watching her. Since she is facing the back seat, all she knows is what she can see in front of her or to each side. She doesn't know that she is always in our gaze because she can't see us. According to normal infant development, she hasn't even yet reached the age where object permanence has set in....she doesn't see us, so we simply aren't there.

Most days, some times several times a day, we strap her into that carseat and she looks up at us with a big grin, now sporting two tiny pearly teeth. We close the car door and hop in the front seat to drive, and we are out of her gaze, so she doesn't realize we are still there.

Today as we drove, I turned off the radio and said something that makes her smile every single time she hears it (it's really the silly way I say it that does it). "Mama. Loooooooooves. Sadie." I could see her little head in the mirror, looking all over for me. She grinned. She heard my voice and knew I was there....somewhere. She just wasn't sure where.

It made me realize that we are always in the gaze of our Father God, even when we may not be able to see Him. We go about our day, too often not realizing that He is right there with us the whole time, watching us, delighting in us. And then sometimes, the noise of the world is turned off for a moment, and we hear Him say to our souls "I love you." We smile...we look for Him...and He never left.

She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: "You are the God who sees me," for she said, "I have now seen the One who sees me."
Genesis 16:13

Making Home

2010-09-20T15:01:00.002-05:00

I have been mulling over the phrase "homemaker" lately. I was talking with an older, wiser friend last week about my role as a stay-at-home mama, and I realized how I really resonate with the old-fashioned label of "homemaker." I have often thought about how the mama sets the tone of the home, an emotional thermostat, if you will.

In that conversation, I also realized that I put far too much pressure on myself. The friend had asked me what being a stay-at-home mom meant to me, and I told her how I feel it is my role to hold things together in the home, to be the peace, to keep things organized. And as soon as I verbalized something I'm not sure I had spoken aloud before, I said, "Wow. That's a pretty high standard, isn't it?"

She said, "And if you don't reach this standard you've set for yourself? What then? Have you failed?"

I was really for the first time having to string together thoughts that had only been scattered about in my subconscious before this conversation. Hesitating, trying to choose my words carefully, I said, "Well....no. I've never (ever) thought of myself as a failure or that I would be a failure if all of those things didn't come together. But I do, probably, mentally look back at the end of the day, and if those things didn't happen....if the home wasn't peaceful, if it looked a mess, if I yelled that day.....I would probably think somehow that the home was not any better off that day for me being there." I don't mean that in a woe-is-me-nobody-needs-me way, but in a a-monkey-probably-could-have-done-this-job-today way.

We talked about the difference between organizing the home and parenting, that Abigail and Sadie could probably give two flips whether the load of laundry on my bed is folded or not. That parenting them is what will remain in their memories. Because here is what can come from a memory....it may sound idealistic, but hey, it's my memory....

One of my very favorite memories as a child was coming home from school one day. The weather was just warming up enough to open up the windows. The breeze was swaying the curtains in the living room, and my mom was ironing. The smell of fresh air and freshly-cleaned laundry filled the room. And there were chocolate chip cookies waiting on the table. And it felt perfect.

This really happened. I promise. And in some crazy way, I have made that perfect, peaceful moment the standard for my entire role as a homemaker...wife...mother.

My friend listened to this memory and pointed out something....it is a good memory. A great memory. But it is only a memory....not a standard. She also pointed out that it is MY memory, from my elementary-minded perspective. It is quite possible that if my mom could have a memory of that day, from her perspective, it could be that she had burned the first batch of cookies, was frustrated with the checkbook, and hated the fact that she was inside ironing when it was so beautiful outside. Perspective matters.

And somehow, mentally, it is all changing now. I am working on realizing that a beautiful childhood memory does not set a standard for me to live up to. I have also realized that I should not take on the responsibility of something that is solely that of Jesus to do....such as be the Peace in our home. Because that is a standard I can surely not live up to. But being a wife and mama who prays at the beginning of the day for Jesus to be my Peace, our Peace...that is something I can do. Working on seeing the laundry and the toys a little bit less, and my daughters a little bit more....that is something I can do. Seeing my husband as my teammate, my coach, my encourager, my best friend, my life partner, and not just my "roommate"....that is something I can do. Telling myself that Jesus is working in me to make me a better Amy, not looking back on my day thinking anybody could have done my job that day....that is something I can do. Or at least, these are all things I can work on.

And that, to me.....for this season of life.....is making Home.

Forgotten Baskets

2010-09-04T13:24:00.005-05:00

God is so good at reminders. A couple of nights ago, Paul and I re-worked our budget. That is something you can picture me saying with rolling eyes and maybe a little bit of sarcastic glee inflected in my voice. It was due to be done for some time, as bills and such have a way of changing from time to time. So, at 11:00 p.m., when I desperately wanted to go to bed, I sat down on the couch next to my hubby and the computer with my worst attitude in tow.

We re-worked. It looks decent on paper. Commitments were re-made. Doors of communication that had been shut were opened again. I reminded myself several times that a budget is not shackles on our hands, but rather smart boundaries that create freedom. Freedom to know what we have to work with. Freedom to not have that "uh-oh" feeling of spending more than we meant to or should have.

Last night (again with the bad attitude!!), I waved a handful of cash in front of Paul, saying "THIS is what I'm supposed to get a week's worth of groceries on???" It seemed measly. But we HAD already bought a few groceries with it, so it wasn't the full amount of grocery budget for the week. But the amount made me angry. I wasn't even paying attention to the food that we had not yet used from last week's groceries.

I was frustrated. I went to bed and opened my Bible. And, ha ha ha, wouldn't you know it...I was ready for Mark, chapter 8. Jesus fed 4,000 men with seven loaves of bread and a few fish. Four. Thousand. Men. (not even including women and children). Seven loaves of bread. Four-thousand men. Repeat it over and over and let that sink in just a smidge.

But that isn't even the best part. In my opinion, anyway.
¹⁴ They had forgotten to take bread and had only one loaf with them in the boat. ¹⁵ Then he commanded them: "Watch out! Beware of the yeast of the Pharisees and the yeast of Herod."

¹⁶ They were discussing among themselves that they did not have any bread. ¹⁷ Aware of this, He said to them, "Why are you discussing that you do not have any bread? Do you not yet understand or comprehend? Is your heart hardened? ¹⁸ Do you have eyes, and not see, and do you have ears, and not hear? And do you not remember? ¹⁹ When I broke the five loaves for the 5,000, how many baskets full of pieces of bread did you collect?"

"Twelve," they told Him.

²⁰ "When I broke the seven loaves for the 4,000, how many large baskets full of pieces of bread did you collect?"

"Seven," they said.

²¹ And He said to them, "Don't you understand yet?"

So. First of all, the disciples had seen Jesus provide for thousands of people with a few measly loaves of bread not just once, but TWICE. Thousands of people! With baskets full of food left over!! And then they get on the boat, just the small lot of them, with one loaf of bread, and start complaining and worrying about how they aren't going to have anything to eat. But Jesus was still with them!!

They had forgotten what they had seen Him do in the past. They were short-sighted, focused more on their grumbling stomachs than on their faith in the One who provides in abundance.

They are me. I am the disciples. Short-sighted. Looking at the little. Forgetting about the "much"...ALL of the abundance He has shown us in the past, time and time again. I can almost hear Him, His voice tired, yet gentle, saying to me, "Don't you understand yet?"

God is so good at reminders. That is a Word that is living and active. It is sharper than any two-edged sword. And it reminded me of what I had been missing.

She's Kind of a Big Deal

2010-08-25T22:14:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow, our little girl starts preschool. We went to the open house today, and as far as I could see from the families in the room, she was the only one who cried (loudly) when it was time to leave. We assured her she would get to come back first thing in the morning to play and make new friends.

This girl of ours? She's ready. Ready to carry a backpack. Ready to meet new kids. Ready to show them all what she knows, and hopefully will be willing to actually learn a thing or two.

She's our Abidoo. Abidale. Abi-smell. Abigailia. Babigail. Our Turkey. Our Peaches.
Our preschooler. And we love her.

All By Myself

2010-08-13T23:44:00.002-05:00

Today, I had the pleasure of a little time for Amy, and it got me thinking of what I do during those sweet times. Sometimes I still have Sadie around, but she is usually pretty quiet and cuddly. Paul had Abigail out swimming for a few hours. Here is the list of Amy-time happenin's:

1. Sometimes I do all kinds of necessary, boring things. Fold laundry. Balance the checkbook (got it done today.....zzzzzzzz). Catch up the dishes.
2. I make important phone calls. Health insurance claims. Medical bills. Why the heck is our cable bill so high this month? You know, those kind of calls.
3. I text my friend Angie about how much more fun it would be if we were hanging out together.
4. I grocery shop at 10:30 at night because it is easy and quiet. And I am all about the easy and the quiet.
5. When I'm in the car all alone and flipping through songs on the radio, I stop and listen to Ke$ha sing "Your Love is My Drug." Hey, I think she sounds like a drunk sorority girl, but that chorus is so stinkin' catchy. And sometimes a Mommy just needs to hear a song like that...a stupid, annoying, catchy song.

And you come home with a little spring in your step (and try to refrain from singing "Your Love is My Drug" while feeding your baby).
Here's to a little alone time this weekend! Enjoy!

I Love These Things

2010-08-03T10:11:00.002-05:00

I realize that I sometimes focus too much on the "tough times" of parenting. To say they have caught me a little off-guard would probably be an understatement. So from time to time, I do have to sit down and think of all the things I love about my girls, because they are plentiful.

I love having morning coffee with Abigail. It's decaf, and she asks for it every morning. I can somehow picture her as a college student, home for the summer, stumbling sleepily into the kitchen for her morning coffee. And maybe we will have great conversations, or maybe we will sit and stare for an hour while we wake up.

I love Sadie's noises. I call her a whiny puppy because that is pretty much how she sounds. When she is tired, she doesn't really cry, she just rubs her ear with her fist and whimpers. Whining doesn't sound so great when they are old enough to express themselves with words, but it is seriously cute to me when it's all they can do.

I love their involuntary foot movements. Sometimes I sit and watch Abigail's feet as she watches Blues Clues....they just move all the time, even when the rest of her is lying still. They touch toys around her, her toes curl. Sadie's tiny feet move while she nurses....she rubs one over the other, or crosses them so daintily. She kicks them when she gets excited. They don't even know what they are doing, but their feet are constantly expressing themselves.

I love their smell after a bath. I know that is an easy one, and any Mom would agree. I could inhale that scent forever.

I love that Abigail would have her Daddy never go to work and just stay home and play with her every single day if she could. They are just best buddies, and I love watching them together.

I love Abigail's enthusiasm over things like taking her vitamins or playing peek-a-boo with her sister. She gets excited about the little things.

I love that Sadie has "found her screecher". She screeches all. the. time.

I love introducing Abigail to things that Paul and I loved as children. We watched Anne of Green Gables as a family a couple of months ago, and she paid every bit of attention to Marilla and Matthew and Gilbert Blythe and Diana Spencer. Melted my heart. We took her to see Ramona and Beezus at the movies the other night, and she loved it. So yesterday we went to the library and picked out two Ramona Quimby books to read. I think I just have to break out Amelia Bedelia and she will be all set.

I could go on and on. Let's face it, even the really hard days of parenting pale in comparison to the really great ones. It's a vocation, and it is bound to have it's challenges just as any job, ministry, or calling would. But I am confident that these moments are not to be missed, because I know how fleeting they are.

This Week I Learned...

2010-07-30T13:42:00.004-05:00

I learned a few things this week. You know, important life lessons.

1. A couple of days ago, Abigail and I were having a really ugly day between the two of us. I was ugly Mommy, she was ugly kiddo. We were the perfect storm of headbutts. She had pretty much gotten in trouble all day long (and once she got started, I may have blown a couple of things out of proportion myself). Nothing seemed to be working discipline-wise. Then before dinner, I told her that we could make chocolate chip cookies together after dinner (hoping for some redeemable time from our day). After dinner, she was once again doing the sassy, arguing, talking back, not listening, blah, blah, blah, and I told her that we would not be making cookies together that night because of the bad choices she had been making. Her response was something to this effect (through hyperventilating tears):
"But you were an ugly-acting Mommy today. And you don't just promise you're going to make chocolate chip cookies and take it away. Because I LOVE chocolate chip cookies. I want to make them and eat them. You can't take that away from me. That's such a mean thing to do."
My response? You're right! When the cookies get taken away, we ALL get punished.

2. Trying to make your home some perfect little version of homemade-land can only work in spurts. I tried hard this week, making homemade applesauce from the apples we had picked, making the cookies (finally), folding the laundry, paying the bills, etc. etc. etc. All it does is burn a Mommy out and make me feel like I can't keep up. Lesson? Pick one Susie Homemaker thing to do a day....maybe.....but don't try to do it all at once.

3. God is always good, even when His timing seems different than ours. I had waited forever for an insurance claim to be reviewed from when I had Sadie. I kept getting the automatically-generated bills and was thinking if this claim didn't get straightened out soon, I would be getting a collection notice (but didn't want to pay a huge sum of money on a bill that I knew was incorrect). Literally, as I sat down yesterday with the insurance company's number in hand to call them and figure out what the status was, I opened up our mail and there was a notice saying it had been completely taken care of. Boo.Yah. God is awesome.

4. Give me 45 minutes without kids at home and I am one. productive. mama. And I felt GOOD for it.

5. My husband's love for me just gets better and better. I had a hard day this week (the one with the cookie incident) and just felt like a failing, flailing Mommy. He listened, he loved, he hugged, he cut Abigail off at the pass when I needed a break, he bought me a card saying thank you for all I do, he wrote me a poem. Sigh. Flutter. Heart. I love him.

See? Lessons in the everyday. Sometimes I love them. Sometimes I wish I had learned them enough already. :)

Healed

2010-07-19T11:28:00.004-05:00

The other day, Paul and I were talking about a friend of ours that we had not seen in a while. She had been due one day apart from me when we had our second miscarriage. Every once in a while, I see pictures of her cute little guy on Facebook. I told Paul, "The funny thing is, when I look at his pictures, I don't really think about how we would have had a baby the same age as him." We have another friend who had a baby within a few days of that same due date. I said, "When I look at Kayla, I just look at Kayla. I'm not comparing her to what our baby would have been at this stage."

Then he said, "Sadie healed you."

And even though there are always scars from experiences like that.....I know there must be because I have talked to women who lost babies through miscarriage 30 or 40 years ago who still get teared up in the conversation....I realized that scars are not open wounds. They are areas where wounds once were, but they are healed. God leaves those marks, though not always physical, as reminders of His goodness through those times, of the ways that He healed the hurt. I know God healed the painful wounds. And He did it through this....

We Needed Them

2010-07-01T15:57:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow will be one month since Jean passed. What a fast month it was....there was definitely a period of grieving, but things have seemed pretty "normal" since we got back from Florida. This is the post that I have been wanting to write all month, as the thoughts gradually formed in my head. I've wanted to write it a lot of times in the last three years.

This month also marks three years since our move here. God gradually drew us to Marshall over about a six-month period of Paul filling in preaching after the church's pastor retired. We were very content to be working with the college ministry at Ball State. We had only been there four years, and were not seeking any new ventures in ministry or life in general. We were fine where we were. Yet God drew us....slowly.....affirming each step as we made it (mostly in great hesitation).

As I got to know the ladies in our church (who are now some of my closest friends), I met several who had had two miscarriages. And before I had even had one, there was a little piece of my mind that thought, I am meeting these ladies because this is going to happen to me. Maybe it was a morbid thought, but somehow I knew it would. And it did. Within six months, I had two.

Also during this time, we found out that Jean had stage four breast cancer. At age 29, Paul and I were facing the first parent to get sick. The first parent to be in the hospital. To move to a nursing home. To be given a life expectancy.

During this time, I had a successful pregnancy. One that added beautiful Sadie to our family.

There are times when God moves you to a new place in life that makes you wonder what your purpose will be there. It makes you think that you must have something to offer that these people need. Some gift....ability....talent....something. You don't think it in a prideful way, but more of a questioning one...."Okay, God, how are You going to use me here? What is the reason you uprooted my life there to bring me here?" And yes, there are reasons, ones we are still figuring out. Ways He chooses to use us that we weren't looking for.

But one of the biggest reasons I feel He brought us here, for such a time as this, is not that they needed us, but that we needed them. We needed this to be our church family. Through our celebrations, and through our grief, we needed them to be the hands and feet and heart of Jesus. To share their experiences. To comfort us as they had been comforted. To care for our physical needs as well as our emotional ones. To love us in the dark so that God could shine His light. To be more than friends, but family. The family of God.

Paul and I have faced more as a couple in our time here than all the combined years before it. And we will face more, I have no doubt of that. I know that God will care for us wherever He has us, but for this season of our lives, we needed here. We needed now. We needed them.

Sadie, Four Months

2010-06-29T16:17:00.002-05:00

I feel like I have all of these funny stories about Abigail because, well, she talks and sasses and all, while Sadie just lies around being adorable, so there isn't as much to report each day. I mean, it's pretty much all adorable....no major changes.

But she turned four months old last week. I would say "How in the world is this possible since it was only a few weeks ago I was rocking ABIGAIL to sleep???" But it is possible. We all know it and lament it.

She is currently lying on the floor on her blanket doing her usual singing/cooing/whining combo. She seems tired and doesn't really cry (I mean, she does cry, just not in these moments). She lies on her tummy and just.....complains. In an adorable baby way. She chews her fingers, her burp cloth, her entire fist. And just makes noise. It is like her sweet, droning lullaby to herself.

She is a mover. She rolls over from back to tummy. Boom. Instantly. There is really no use in putting her on her back anymore because she stays there all of 0.7 seconds. I have witnessed four rolls in a row (Daddy did, too), but usually she just rolls from back to tummy and stays there. Sometimes she makes noise, sometimes she just props herself up on her forearms and watches the world go by.

She is a watcher. She always wants to be held in an upright position (don't even TRY putting her on her back). She prefers sitting up in an exersaucer or being propped up against pillows to any kind of horizontal position. She wants to watch, watch, watch. My favorite is when she turns her head and just stares at Abigail. It is like she is making mental notes....oh, I will be just like her in that way. No wait, Mommy didn't sound so nice in the way she said that to her, so maybe I won't do what she just did. Oh, that big sissy-person is funny. She makes me want to kick my legs. She talks to me in silly voices. Yeah, I like her.

She is a cuddler. If she is being held, 99% of the time, she is happy. If she is not being held, well, all bets are off. She wants to be in your arms, so quit sitting and talking to adults in the room and pick me up.

She is a Mommy's girl. I didn't really try and make this happen. It just did. So if you are holding her and she cries, and then I pick her up and she immediately goes silent and happy, well.....whoops. It's just how it is. It is the Power of the Mommy. It's like strong voodoo magic, and I don't know how to do otherwise.

She is a blessing. She is every bit as perfectly awesome as I remember babies being at this age. Even when a day with a baby is not always easy or perfect, it is a day with a baby. And that is wonderful.

Love our Sadie Grace. Happy four months old!

Now On a Lighter Note

2010-06-22T10:57:00.002-05:00

I would like to share random Abigail-isms with you. She has had a lot to say lately, and some of it has been downright funny. The rest has been spoken in a high-pitched Princess voice (which is about equal to fingernails on a chalkboard when you hear it enough).

1. I'm not whining. I'm just talking in a whiney voice.

2. Mommy, have you ever eaten boogies? They are salty and good.

3. And my recent favorite: On our last night in Orlando, we ate at a super-yummy Brazilian restaurant. They served fried yucca with each meal, which is basically like french fries, only a little more bland tasting and in much need of vinegar, salt, or ketchup. The Brazilian owner kept pronouncing it yook-a, so we were all cultured saying, "Oh Abigail, try the YOOKA, it's like french fries. So good!"
To which she responded, "It's not said YOOKA, it's said FUH-YOOKA."
To which Paul responded, "Uh, nope. No, it's not."

I know it may be hard, but it's best to not bring these things up to Abigail. She doesn't know "what word it sounded like" when she said fuh-yooka, and it would just require explaining that I would rather not do when she is four. And she hates feeling laughed at (HATES IT), so let's just all have a good laugh while looking at the computer. And never speak of it again.

Stuck in Between

2010-06-08T16:40:00.003-05:00

After getting through the events of the last week with Jean's passing, and looking forward to the events of next week with our upcoming trip to Florida, I have to admit, I feel kind of stuck. Stuck in between the sad and the exciting. Stuck in between the nothing-normal of last week, the current-normal of laundry, cleaning, daily stuff, and the next-week-sort of normal of a trip.

We are going to Florida for the Southern Baptist Convention and tacking on a couple of days for family time. We are definitely looking forward to a break and some fun time as family and seeing friends.

Yet there is still sadness. In some ways, the last few days have reminded me of how I felt after my second miscarriage. I would read facebook statuses and ponder how everyone else's days were going on normally while ours felt like there was an empty hole in it. I would go about the normal things of the day and then have a moment where the hurt would grab me and I would think "too normal, too soon."

I'm hurting for my husband, my daughters, my sisters- and brothers-in-law. I'm hurting for me. There is a lot about this precious mother-in-law of mine that I am not sure I appreciated enough while she was with us. I think I gradually appreciated her more over the course of my marriage to Paul, but most of all now that she is gone. I remember my mom saying how she and my grandma used to butt heads over things all the time, but once grandma had passed, none of those things mattered anymore. That's how I feel now....none of that "stuff" matters anymore. All that matters is that we miss her.

I keep replaying our visit with her just one week ago yesterday. I keep remembering her voice, her hugs, her conversation.

We are okay. Yes, we are okay. Just different now. Looking forward to the break ahead, but still remembering. Stuck...for now.

The Feast

2010-06-05T22:37:00.002-05:00

We got through an emotional day today. Paul's mom, Jean, passed away early Wednesday morning from her two-year-long battle against cancer. She fought a good fight, one to be proud of. She has entered much-deserved rest in the arms of Jesus.

I shared this today at her funeral. Wasn't sure whether to post it, but Paul told me he hoped that I would.

When your daddy is a pastor, your four-year-old daughter has more than the average kid’s experience with going to funerals. She has been to several funerals of people at our church, and just a few months ago even experienced the death of her Memaw and Papa’s kitty, Bart. These are things that are hard to explain to your little one, but we try our best to find the words to help it make sense. Last summer, we lost a dear person in our church to a battle with cancer. We went to the funeral together, and then Abigail had her first time going to the cemetery. We explained to her that Sam’s body was in that big box, and they were going to put it into the ground because now that he was in Heaven with Jesus, God gave him a brand new body that wasn’t sick anymore. It could run and jump and dance.

We explained that dying is like going to sleep here, but when you wake up you are in Heaven. When you wake up, you see God’s face, and that is pretty awesome. We told her that you will see people here crying, but it is only because we are sad that we don’t get to spend time with the person we love anymore until we go to live in heaven. And if we are smiling and laughing, it’s because we remember how much we loved that person and all o f the special times with them. Either emotion is okay to have.

We have talked about the beauty of heaven, as best as we can understand it. How the streets are made of pure gold and God has a house just for you.

Recently, however, we talked about something that held fast in her little mind. We were driving to my parents house, and the subject of heaven came up. We are going to Disney World soon for a vacation, and Abigail said “Disney World is the best place in the world. But it’s not as good as heaven.” Then I said, “Abigail, did you know that when you go to heaven, you have a HUGE feast? It’s the biggest and best meal you could possibly imagine. And we get to eat with God! If you could think of your very favorite foods to eat at the feast in heaven, what would you have?”

She thought for a minute and said, “Cake. And cookies.”

“Those would be delicious things to eat,” I said. Then I told her the things I would choose to eat, knowing full well they were things that I love but she thinks are disgusting. “I would eat LOTS of shrimp. And crab legs. And COTTAGE CHEESE. MMMMMM, LOTS OF COTTAGE CHEESE.”

“Ewwwwwww!” she said.

The last several weeks, Abigail has talked a lot about that feast. When she saw Bart, the kitty’s grave at my parents’ house, she said, “He’s at the kitty feast in heaven. She’s prayed about it. She’s thanked God for it.

On Monday, we visited with Jean for the last time. She was awake, though confused, and we had a wonderful time with her. We talked, Abigail sang to her, she held our baby Sadie and when her arms were too tired, I held Sadie and Jean gently stroked her little bare foot while we talked. Abigail went over next to Paul and smiled at Jean. “We’ll see her at the feast.”

Paul and I exchanged looks quickly, tears springing to our eyes. Jean said, “What did she say? I didn’t hear what she said.”

“She was just telling me something.” Paul answered.

It’s hard to tell your daughter that the grandma she loved has gone to live with Jesus. But in her own way, I think Abigail understood better than most adults do. Jean is sitting at the banquet table of God. Enjoying the fullness of Him. And Abigail knows we will see her again….and what a feast it will be.

Other People's Wisdom

2010-05-28T00:59:00.002-05:00

I'm going to be frank. We are in a season of tough parenting with Abigail. Don't get me wrong...there are beautiful moments, and even beautiful days (today was overall, a pretty good one). But the last few weeks have felt like we are constantly hitting our heads against a four-year-old wall of assertiveness, independence, stubbornness, and really just who is this kid? I'm not going to go down the laundry list of what a day looks like to us, or Lord have mercy, what bedtime looks like to us. It does no good to you, the reader, to hear about the sassy, fit-throwing details, and it does no good to me, the mama, to rehash it all.

But we are a tired people, this Daddy and Mommy.

We've read books. Articles. Heard sermons. Prayed. Talked to people much further along in this process than ourselves.

And this week, there have been two things that have lifted me, have made me think we can get through this cycle until the next one hits. The first came from learning about the strong-willed child from Dr. Dobson. And my goodness, does she fit the bill. Reading ways that we can guide her, establish our authority over her, and pray for her was a real teaching moment for Paul and me, as I'm sure it will continue to be.

The second came from my dear friend, Charlotte. We met up with Kerry and Charlotte for dinner the other night. Talking in our best try-not-to-let-Abigail-hear-us voices, Charlotte asked how Abigail has been adjusting to Sadie. I told her the answer that I feel I've said to everyone who has asked that question....to Sadie, she is perfect. She loves her, sings to her, hugs her, kisses her. It's overwhelming, her love toward Sadie. It's beautiful and I adore it. But I do think there is jealousy there, it just doesn't get directed toward Sadie. It gets directed toward me, and maybe just a little bit toward Paul. She and I butt heads a lot now...too much. Paul has always said she is just a little version of me, and frankly, it isn't too fun to see yourself in a miniature mirror.

On the way out to the car, Charlotte told me that I am doing a good job, even if I don't see it. I assured her that lately, I don't see it. Yes, I know in some ways I am doing a good job. And I am still doing what I have always wanted to do by being a mommy. But when you are in the thick of it, all you see is how you are not doing any of it "right."

Then Charlotte said something to this effect: But you know, Amy, God has started a good work in Abigail, and He will be faithful to complete it. But you are not the only person He has to use in order to complete that work. I realized it with my oldest daughter when she met her husband. I realized that God was using him in her life in a way He could not use me. There are many people that God can use to complete that work in her, so don't put all of that pressure on yourself.

I have thought about these words several times this week. My friend Angie and I were talking today about hearing our little ones singing songs that they learned in their Sunday School classes at church, songs that we know we did not teach them. I shared what Charlotte told me to Angie, and it kind of hit us both that we were seeing this unfold before us....God is indeed using other people in the lives of our children. Yes, our influence is great, especially at this stage, but it isn't only our influence that will shape them into the completed work God has in mind.

I love my Abigail. And today? It was a pretty good day. There were sweet moments and no bedtime battles. I silently sat next to her bed tonight and kissed her cheeks as she slept. I know that this is just a part of growing up....for both of us. And hopefully, when all is said and done, we will both see that God was faithful to complete the good work that He began in us.

Just Some This and That and So On

2010-05-24T11:29:00.002-05:00

It seems lately that I can have 18 bloggable moments in a single day, or go several days of blogging dry-spell. And that is when the bullet points come out, because they are simply easier than waxing poetically every silly ol' time.

1. We are leaving for Florida in a couple of weeks. The Southern Baptist Convention is in Orlando this year, and we are tacking on two extra days just for some family time. I love that we have the SBC every year to guarantee a little family get-away to somewhere. So far, the ones we have gone to have been no farther than a few hours drive, so this is pretty exciting to us. The next several years will all be locations we will fly to. Paul and I have flown together several times, but never with the kiddos, so I'm a little nervous about that. I love to fly, so I'm not scared or anything...just nervous about maneuvering the airports with the girls and all the gear.
We will also spend one day at Disney, which I know is like dropping a cup of coffee in the Grand Canyon and calling it sufficiently filled, but with our little ones at this age, I think one day will be fine. Abigail has told us repeatedly that Disney World is the best place in the world except for heaven. And I don't think I can dispute that claim in any way, shape, or form.

2. Sadie is nothing short of heart-melting, barely-able-to-stand-it adorable right now. She coos little songs and kicks her legs and smiles like crazy. She has chubby rolls on her legs. She watches people all the time. She alllllmost sleeps all night (wakes up around 6:00 a.m. to eat and then sleeps some more). The only way you could possibly know how precious she is would be to come hold her, and yes, you are welcome to (maybe I would finally mop my kitchen floor. Or take a nap.).

3. Bedtime for Abigail has been pretty rough lately. Lots of fits and angry words. But last night we had a big ol' snuggle fest, and it worked great. Maybe I've been snuggling the little one so much I haven't realized that Abigail needed to be caught up on snuggles herself. So we did. And it was wonderful.

4. Did I mention I need to mop my kitchen floors? It's embarrassing.

5. Yes, Paul and I watch LOST. No, we have not yet seen the finale. We try to not watch it while Abigail is awake, because we used to watch it with her in the room, and then there was the time Sayid's girlfriend got hit by a car, and she brought it up two week's later about the girl who got hit by a car, and we have watched it after she has gone to bed since. I think I may have seen something about the ending on someone's facebook status, and now I feel bad for knowing. So don't tell me anything. I think we are watching it with friends tomorrow night.

6. Adorable Sadie is crying like crazy now, so I shall go pick her up. Bye for now!

Who's Chasing You?

2010-05-17T11:33:00.003-05:00

I have a habit of staying up way too late at night watching movies on tv. Movies that suck me in, no matter how much I know that I will have the 5:30 a.m. wake-up call of Sadie loudly sucking her fists. It's her discreet little hint that whispers, This fist will do for about 42 seconds, and then you better do something about it.

A few nights ago, I was folding my late-night loads of laundry while watching some good movie (I don't remember, it's not important). Paul was about to go to bed, I was about to call it quits for the night. And then, OH THEN, the opening credits came on....Wishin', and hopin', and thinkin', and prayin'.... Shut it off, Amy. SHUT OFF THE TV. It is 12:30 in the morning. That won't get you into his arms.... Don't do this to yourself. You must go to bed. My Best Friend's Wedding. I couldn't help myself.

Paul's eyes start rolling back in his head as he told me he has never seen the movie. And then he kept saying things about Michael like "You're gay." And I would inform him that Michael was not gay, he was THE BEST FRIEND. Then he would say, "Well, I have never seen the movie, but there is someone who is gay in it."

Ugh. It's Rupert Everett. He's missing the point. I told him that EVERY college freshman girl had to sigh over this movie at some point because there was ALWAYS a best friend (like I need to tell you....you've been there).

I began saying my favorite quotes from the movie, which at age 31 (did you know Jules was 28 in the movie??? I mean, come on), do have an air of cheesiness to them, but 18-year-old Amy did not care. Things like "He has you on a pedestal, and me in his arms."

I told Paul there is the wake-up call of all movie quotes...
George Downes: Michael's chasing Kimmy?
Julianne Potter: Yes!
George Downes: You're chasing Michael?
Julianne Potter: YES!
George Downes: Who's chasing you... nobody, get it? There's your answer. It's Kimmy.

That was when every girl realized that she was chasing someone who was chasing someone else. I did it. You did, too, so quit denying it.

Then I realized something. Paul chased me. For quite a while. I like to joke that he wore me down, but really I think I just realized it was good to be chased instead of chasing. I told him so, too. I thanked him for chasing me. We will have our eighth anniversary in a couple of weeks. And he still chases me...I just don't run as fast anymore. Maybe it took a late-night movie to remind me of that, and to thank God for a man that didn't stop chasing me.

And he sure can kiss.

What a Year Can Do

2010-05-05T15:55:00.005-05:00

I remember a year ago, yesterday. May 4th. It was the due date that came and went. It was the date we had hoped would bring us a baby. But it was the due date of our second miscarriage. It was a beautiful day, just like yesterday. Sun shining. A visit and coffee with my minister's wife from the church I grew up in. Flowers from a friend. Thoughtful emails and cards. People remembered. They remembered our sadness that day and they poured forth love.

A little over a month after that due date, we had the confirmation we had been waiting for. Pregnant again. Hard to believe it was my fourth pregnancy. We were so happy, so cautious, and for a while, so scared. Wanting to be happy, yet so aware of all that could happen. Wanting to love the little one growing inside of me, yet afraid to give my heart fully in love for a baby we may not meet.

But we did meet her. And hold her. And kiss her. And love her. Oh, my heart, do we love her. God was faithful in the dark, and He is faithful in the light. A lot can change in a year.

For behold, the winter is past, The rain is over and gone. The flowers have already appeared in the land ; The time has arrived for pruning the vines, And the voice of the turtledove has been heard in our land. The fig tree has ripened its figs, And the vines in blossom have given forth their fragrance.
Song of Solomon 2:11-12

Who I Can Be

2010-04-27T15:16:00.003-05:00

I am far too often not the mommy I want to be. The problem is, a mommy is ALL I ever wanted to be. When I was little, I distinctly remember wanting to grow up and stay at home with my kids like my mom did with us. So, now that I have that privilege, why am I often disappointed with how I'm doing?

My temper is too short. My patience is too thin. My energy is too low. This is not how it was supposed to be. Not in my plans, anyway.

And therein lies the problem. I cannot continue to strive toward being the mommy that I picture. I need to ask God who is the mommy He wants me to be to Abigail and Sadie.

When I look at myself, I see that Abigail watched too much tv this morning. I see that I glanced up from the computer each time she said, "Mommy, WATCH THIS" and proceeded to try to impress me with daredevil stunts. I see that I gave her a Pop Tart for breakfast because I was too tired to try harder. I see that I haven't taken her outside to play yet, even when the sun was shining so beautifully.

But I like to think when God looks at me, He sees the love in my heart toward my daughters. He sees the snuggles and cuddles at bedtime. He sees when we chase each other to her room. He sees the bathtime when I sit cautiously by while allowing Abigail to wash Sadie's hair. He sees our dinner the other night when she and I talked about the different parts of our bodies that God had made and what we can do with each part.

He sees that I'm trying, even when I see the moments when I fall harder than I mean to. And He gives me a beautiful guideline.

⁴ Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
(I Corinthians 13: 4-7, NLT)

Unfortunately, I see all too much of the times I am not patient or kind. That I can be too proud to admit when I overreacted. That I demand my own way all the time, and it makes us butt heads. I am irritable...far too irritable.

But I have the model of perfect love. I know what I am capable of, with God's leading. I'm so thankful that He sees me where I am, and shows me a better way. Because when it comes down to it, I am head-over-heels crazy about my girls. And I am doing what I always wanted to do. But I can't do it on my own.

The Song Explains It

2010-04-12T15:58:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I am going to cheat a little bit and write my thoughts on Mother's Day a month early. Because it is on my mind, so there. And if you go to church with me, you may very well hear these thoughts again.

I am scheduled to sing the special music on Mother's Day at church. If I remember correctly, I sang on that day last year, too. I always have kind of a hard time finding a good song for a Mother's Day special. So many of them seem like the saccharine-y mommy versions of "Butterfly Kisses." They are just a little too sappy for my taste. Yet, I still feel like I need to choose a song that somehow goes along with the day.

Yesterday, I was driving with the girls in the car, and heard a song on the radio that I had never heard. I actually only caught the last chorus before the song ended and went on to the next song, so I didn't even know the name of the song or who it was by. But I knew I had to find it to sing at church.

The reason I liked the song so much for a Mother's Day song is that it focused on the goodness of God in one's life. It was a simple testimonial of a person who could honestly say that through the good and the bad along life's way, God's been good.

When I had my first Mother's Day after having Abigail, I felt like I had reached a rite of passage. I wanted to celebrate like I had never celebrated anything in my life. I wanted that day to be as special as it possibly could be, because HEY EVERYBODY, I'M A MOM! It never occurred to me that the holiday may not be as welcome to some. Mother's Day the last two years looked different to me. After experiencing the loss of two pregnancies (and before finding out I was pregnant with Sadie), I felt more subdued to the day. I understood the joy of celebrating being a mommy to Abigail, but I felt the pain of the children who did not join our family. And I realized that there are many women who feel the same.

Maybe they could not have biological children. Maybe they have lost pregnancies. Maybe they have even felt the pain of losing their own mom, and miss celebrating that day with her.

Yet God is good. He comforts. He loves. He carries. He shows grace. He is patient through grief. He mourns with those who mourn, and rejoices with those who rejoice. And that is why I chose this song. For those who love, love, love Mother's Day. For those who dread it. For those who can't wait to celebrate it. For those who would rather skip the day altogether. God understands it all. The joy, the pain. He is so good.

Fancy Feet, Part Deux

2010-03-30T16:52:00.003-05:00

Some of you may remember about a year ago that I managed to barter deer meat for two free pedicures for my friend Angie and myself. After much discussion over the fact that "girl time" currently means two mommies hanging out and being interrupted constantly by our kids, not being able to finish a conversation EVER, and every phone call being pierced with crying and a million and two questions, we agreed that it was time for the yearly pedicure, aka Real Girl Time. Our friend Teresa also joined us.

Being the organized chick that I am, even knowing fully that one can just walk in for a pedicure without an appointment, I made sure to call ahead three days before our girls night to get us in their calendar. I called the place we went to last time....LA Nails.

Then the day before our appointment, I called LA Nails to tell them I had bartered deer meat before, and asked if they could use any more. The guy said, "Uh, no, we're fine." Trust me, this phone call does not get less humiliating to make the more you make it, but hey, if it ends in a free pedicure, it's worth it.

When we showed up for our appointment, I saw that they closed at 8:00 p.m., not 9:00 like I was told on the phone. Our appointment was for 7:30. They kind of gave us "that look" when we walked in, the "it's almost closing time and you have to be kidding me" look. I told them we had an appointment under Amy Cooper. They flipped through their book. Nope. No Amy Cooper here. I assured them that I had called ahead on Monday. They fit us in anyway.

Fast forward to today. I was balancing my checkbook and saw the charge for the pedicure go through. The charge to LE Nails. I knew that was not where I made the appointment. I quickly googled LE Nails, and then LA Nails. They are both on US Hwy 41, so I know I must have just assumed it was the right place. And all I can do is laugh that the people at LE Nails are not jerks for giving us dirty looks and OBVIOUSLY not writing us down in their appointment book. I am a jerk for calling the wrong place and then standing up the poor souls at LA Nails.

Not to mention that I feel for the poor guy who talked to the crazy woman on the phone who assured him that I had bartered deer meat for a free pedicure in the past and wanted to wheel and deal again. I get it. I'm a jerk...but a jerk with a very fancy pedicure.

My Stand-up Comic

2010-03-25T13:53:00.003-05:00

So, it's kind of hard to tell jokes to four-year-olds. They don't get the plays on words so well.

Me: Abigail, why did the banana go to the doctor?
Abigail: What banana?
Me: The banana.
Abigail: I didn't tell you about a banana in my story.
Me: No, I'm asking you a joke. Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Abigail: I don't know. Why did it?
Me: Because it wasn't peeling well.
Abigail: It wasn't peeling well?
Me: You know, it sounds like feeling well, but you stay peeling, because you peel a banana.
Abigail: It didn't peel well?
Me: Right.
Abigail: Because it was dirty? It didn't peel well because it was dirty?
Me: Uh, no. It went to the doctor because it wasn't PEELING well. Like FEELING.
Abigail: Oh. (courtesy chuckle...obviously not getting it) Hey Mommy, Knock Knock.
Me: Who's there?
Abigail: Little Wolf.
Me: Little Wolf who?
Abigail: Little Wolf needed glasses so he went to the doctor. Good-bye.

Maybe we'll lay off jokes for another year or two.

He Still Is

2010-03-22T14:03:00.002-05:00

God is God, and He is good.

If you don't like the outcome of the healthcare bill. If you do. God is God, and He is good.

If people disappoint you, whether it is someone you are close to, or your government leadership. God is God, and He is good.

If you woke up on Monday morning, and it was gray and raining outside on the second day of Spring. God is God, and He is good.

If you feel like you have days that are spinning out of control around you, or you feel like you just may have a handle on things today. God is God, and He is good.

If you are cuddling your newborn baby, or if you are not sure that baby will ever come. God is God, and He is good.

If you are struggling to pay the bills, or if you are getting by just fine, God is a great provider. God is God, and He is good.

If your life doesn't look exactly the way you thought it would at this point, or if you are perfectly content with where you are right now. God is God, and He is good.

Some days are hard. Some days aren't. Whether the sun is shining outside or it rains, whether you know what today has in store for you, or it is about to throw you for a total loop. God is God, He is on His throne, and He is good. Always.

An Acceptable Jealousy

2010-03-08T16:22:00.002-06:00

Earlier today, I was giving Sadie a washcloth bath on the bed in my room. She hates these (as I'm assuming most babies do in the beginning), and was screaming through the entire tormenting process. Abigail was in the room with us, on standby to help out in the role of Big Sis...to grab a diaper, to hold Sadie's hands and say in her best big girl voice, "It's okay, Honey, don't cry."

I got out the baby lotion and began to rub Sadie's tiny limbs.

"Dear God, bless Sadie's feet. Let her feet be beautiful ones that carry the good news of Jesus to people who don't know Him. Thank you for Sadie's hands. Let her hands be ones that serve others. Bless Sadie's arms. Let them be outstretched to hug people who need love. Thank you for Sadie's (screaming) mouth. Let this mouth speak words of love and encouragement to the people she meets. Let it tell others that God loves them. Bless Sadie's eyes. Protect them, Lord, from looking at anything that would be harmful to her. Let her look at things that show beauty. Thank you for Sadie's mind. Protect it from anyone that would want to hurt her. Help her mind to learn new things, to have wisdom and discernment between right and wrong."

Over my prayers and Sadie's cries, I heard the unmistakable sound of Abigail starting to cry.

"Abigail, what's the matter? Why are you crying?"

"You don't pray for me. You only pray for me at naptime and bedtime. Not like that."

"Oh, honey. I do pray for you, all the time. You're right, I don't pray for you at bath time any more, because you are so big and you take baths by yourself. And then you get ready for bed by yourself. Sometimes you just don't hear the prayers I pray for you. I pray for you when I spend time talking to God and reading my Bible. I pray for you at church."

"At church? Like when you are in big church and I'm in my class?" (still crying)

"Yes. Abigail, why are you still crying?"

"I don't know! I can't stop."

I realized that, as wonderful as she has been adjusting to her new sister these last couple of weeks, we were dealing with our first case of jealousy. And this kind of jealousy, somehow seemed okay to me. She's right....she doesn't hear my prayers except for naptime and bedtime. I have always felt that we exemplified a prayerful lifestyle to Abigail...praying for our meals, praying in the car before we go somewhere, praying for friends who are sick and hurting. But today, maybe in her little bit of insecurity over this new baby, maybe in my own, I realized that she needed to hear me pray for her. Not just to sleep well. Not just to thank God for the people in our lives. Not even just to know Jesus better. But to pray God's blessing over her.

"Honey, do you want me to pray for you now?"

(Still crying) "No."

"What if I rubbed lotion on you and prayed, like I just did for Sadie. Do you want me to do that?"

"Okay."

She climbed up on the bed, still rubbing away tears in her eyes. I put the baby lotion in my hands and began to massage it onto her skin like I used to do when she was a baby.

"Dear God, thank you for my precious Abigail. Bless her feet to spread the good news about Jesus to people who don't know Him (Abigail, do you know that the Bible calls those Beautiful Feet?). Thank you for her legs. Help them to carry her to places she should be, and carry her away from places she shouldn't. Thank you for her tummy. Help it to always be full of food that is healthy and makes her grow. Thank you for her heart. Let it be a heart that is turned toward you, that is sensitive to the needs of others. Bless her hands to serve you and those around her. Help her hands to swim, clap, climb, cook, share her toys, hold good books to read. Thank you for her mouth. Help it to speak kind words to others, to speak words of obedience to Mommy and Daddy, to praise You. Lord, bless her eyes to look on things that are good and beautiful. (Honey, I'm not going to put lotion in your hair like I did Sadie's, or you'll get all greasy) Thank you for Abigail's mind. Help it to learn and grow. Help it to remember the Bible verses that she hears. Help her to be able to discern between good choices and bad ones.
Thank you, God, for Abigail. Amen."

"Mommy, you prayed a longer prayer for me than you did for Sadie."

"Well, I've known you longer. I know what to pray for you better. Mmmm, you smell good."

It can be tough adjusting to being a big sister. She has done beautifully so far. But she's right...I hope she never feels left out of her Mommy's prayers. A mommy can pray for her kids, but sometimes, they just need to hear it.

The Best I Can Do

2010-03-06T14:34:00.004-06:00

I am going to sum up thoughts of my last week and a half in random statements, as that is pretty much how my mushy brain is working right now. Warning: Some statements may seem, to the "normal person" a tad overly dramatic. Remember, I am a hormone-laden woman. Don't judge.

Our lives now live and die by the clock. I have three hours between feeding Sadie. Actually, not true. After she is finished eating, I have about two hours and twenty-five minutes. It's amazing the list of things you are NOT able to get done in that amount of time.

Breastfeeding hurts and makes a pastor's wife want to say lots of bad words. I do remember from experience with Abigail that it will get better soon. But this week, it hurts. I pretty much cry every time she eats, and want to cry when I realize it is time for her to eat. It's a good thing she is super cute to look at.

If I could stand in a hot shower for three hours a day, with nothing but the sound of the bathroom vent and thoughts of new blogs running through my head, I would be a much more relaxed Mommy.

Sadie is actually a really good sleeper so far, and only eats during her "expected" times. I love when they tell you to "sleep when the baby sleeps" because that would mean I am sleeping 22 hours a day, so what's all the fuss about?

Abigail is wonderful with Sadie. We've still had some moments during the week, but no more than we did before Sadie came. She kisses and hugs her, and leaves her alone while she sleeps. She's a good big sis.

Today, Abigail told me, "Mommy, I'm old enough to have a cell phone. I'm pretending I'm seven." Well. So that is the going age for cell phones now, is it?

Yesterday, Abigail took her coat over to Paul and said, "Here, be a prince." She meant that he needed to help her put her coat on. If I had had my wits about me (they've been a little sparse lately), I would have said, "Oh, he IS one. A great big, awesome prince." And I would have meant it. Because he went to WalMart last night and bought me a breast pump, with not a hint of grumbling. Then he took Sadie on her first dinner date with a bottle, and gave my screaming ta-tas a rest for one feeding. And I adore him for it.

Chocolate milk....three times a day. Hey, it helps.

I forgot that even when you just changed a baby's diaper and then you hear that sound...of it being filled again....you still pick them up and kiss them and tell them "good job."

I want to do a lot more things with Abigail than I feel the energy to do right now. And that makes me sad. Of course, so do Olympics commercials about Moms.

Well, folks, she is waking up from her slumber. I see the signs that in another minute she will be letting me know it is time to drop all that I am doing. It reminds me of the Venus FlyTrap from Little Shop of Horrors...."FEED ME, SEYMOUR!" So, I am going to run and put on my make-up so that she will at least have something pretty to look at. Kiss, kiss. :)

Maybe Later

2010-03-03T23:35:00.001-06:00

I want to blog....I really do. I've thought about many things to write about from the last week of Sadie being home. But friends, I am tired right now. So. Tired. We had a long day, and I am predicting a long night ahead of us. Sadie is sleeping well overall, but every few days, she will sleep ALL day long. That was today, which means that tonight she will feel like being awake. Which means I am going to bed instead of thinking of a thoughtful or witty blog. I want to....I really do.

Anyway, love my family of four. Just need sleep.

Status Updates

2010-02-24T21:43:00.002-06:00

I could write a hundred Facebook status updates about this day.

Amy Cooper does not like waking up at 4:00 a.m. But once I'm up, I kind of want to text everyone to make them be up with me.

Amy Cooper thinks being induced is like checking into a hotel. There are no contractions yet, and you walk to the desk like, "Hi, I'm here to have a baby" and they are all like, "Right this way, dear. We've been waiting for you." And then I think "Be Our Guest" plays over the hospital loudspeaker.

Amy Cooper realizes that IVs and my left hand do not get along well. With two births now, my veins blow up and it's really ugly. And then I come really, really close to passing out, which is a great way to start things off.

Amy Cooper cries a lot when she realizes that things aren't going to move slow and peaceful. They are going to move fast and peaceful, which is a little overwhelming. Water broke (gushing is gross), first pitocin contraction, and epidural being inserted all at the same moment make for a major freaking out in my head.

Amy Cooper is able to have a baby, start to finish, in three hours. When someone tells you, "Three pushes and we were done", they aren't just bragging. They are still in shock.

Amy Cooper thinks seeing her husband proudly holding their new daughter is a gorgeous sight.

Amy Cooper touched a placenta, against my better judgment.

Amy Cooper thinks every newborn baby is beautiful, but especially mine. :)

Amy Cooper could eat non-stop for 24 hours and I didn't even work that hard.

Amy Cooper saw Abigail be the most precious big sister today, and for just a second, wanted her to be that newborn baby in her arms again.

Amy Cooper has lots of people who love her family. Like lots and lots and lots.

Amy Cooper changed the channel when "Family Guy" came on, and taught Sadie her first important life lesson....we don't watch "Family Guy."

Amy Cooper is singing praise songs to Sadie in a tired voice. And Sadie is looking at her bright-eyed, as if to say, "I'm not sure who this creature is, but I think I like her."

Amy Cooper admits that last night she had a moment before bed of being scared, and told Paul "I like being just the three of us." Then today she laughed when she thought, What if Michelle Dugger said that every time she had a baby? "I like just being a family of 17. I'm not ready to be a family of 18."

Amy Cooper really should have taken a nap this afternoon when Sadie was getting cleaned up in the nursery.

Amy Cooper is using a pacifier with Sadie already today, and is not going to feel guilty about it like I did with Abigail.

Amy Cooper has a baby who is crying in her bassinet right now, and needs to quit making status updates. I'm going to go cuddle instead.

They Still Matter

2010-02-22T23:26:00.002-06:00

Last night I was searching for a blog I had written about a year ago to send to a friend. I originally thought that I had written it about a year and a half ago, so I began my search around October and November of '08. In my searching, I opened that little memory box of my second miscarriage. I re-read blogs that I haven't read in several months. And I remembered.

I'm at a beautiful place right now, to be able to remember not because the pain is too raw or the memory too fresh, but because I don't want to forget. As much as I have joked about how "done" I am with this pregnancy, and ready to hold our little one in my arms, I am trying to relish these last few days of feeling this life inside of me before she is out into the open world. When she balls herself up into uncomfortable peaks and my stomach looks distorted beyond measure, I gently rub my hand in a circle until she settles back into place. I can feel her foot jutting against my skin, almost as if I could place an ink pad on the outside and make a perfect stamp of her footprint. I feel her hiccup, sometimes multiple times a day, and watch my skin jump repeatedly in the same area to the left of my belly button.

I know that this stage will all be over soon. She will soon be out of my body, growing faster than I will be ready for. Re-reading my blogs last night from my miscarriage made me recall those feelings again...the apprehension after our first miscarriage, the waiting to tell everyone I was pregnant, hearing that baby's heartbeat on two occasions, waking up that morning to the realization that something was wrong, and a few days later, experiencing the physical and heartfelt pain of life leaving my body too soon. Not to hold a baby in my arms. Not to introduce Abigail to her new sibling. Just to be gone, waiting for God to show me what I was supposed to learn through the experience.

I remember now because I don't want to forget. I want to welcome with great joy our new baby. I'm not nervous like I was with Abigail...maybe more prepared for what we have been through before, maybe not. I'm just ready. But in the midst of anticipation, I want to remember the two before. Because all babies are precious to their parents, whether they are held in our arms or only in our hearts and our memories. And because they were here, in this belly of mine that is now overflowing with jumpy, jerky, full movement, I am able to love and appreciate this pregnancy even more....even if just for a few more days.

Sneak Peek

2010-02-20T10:34:00.003-06:00

These are a sampling of the (gorgeous) pictures that my friend Hilary took for Kylene and Erin's wedding. I pretty much think if Hilary could follow me around life with a camera in hand, my life would look amazing. And so would yours. It's the one allowance I would make for being followed by paparazzi. Thank you, Hilary!

Closing In, Storing Up

2010-02-17T09:44:00.002-06:00

I have two weeks until my due date. I have gotten the go-ahead from two doctors to be induced next week (at 39 weeks) if I choose to be. I haven't decided that yet, and will take the next week scrutinizing every little ache and pain to see if it was "for real this time."

I think this week I will work on cuddling my daughter as much as possible. Just to store up. Considering she starts just about every morning with climbing into bed next to me and saying, "Mommy, put your feet on the floor," it doesn't always lend itself toward the morning cuddles. But then we go out to the couch and burrow under a blanket and she says, "Let's snuggle." And we do, even if it's just for a few minutes until she jumps up to go torture the cat or play in her room. It's a few minutes of wonderful every morning, and I'm trying to store up. Not that I'm expecting cuddles and snuggles to stop when the baby arrives....I just want to remember for this one moment what it was like when it was "just us."

A Girl's Gotta Brag

2010-02-11T15:28:00.002-06:00

So far this week, my husband has:
1. Worked from home one afternoon when I wasn't feeling well so that he could care for Abigail while I slept.
2. Put Abigail to bed the same evening so I could go to be early.
3. Loaded the dishes in the dishwasher.
4. Brought me flowers.
5. Asked me to dinner.
6. Asked me to a movie.
7. Lined up babysitting for Abigail for said date.
8. Told me, when I was feeling guilty for "losing that lovin' feeling" in these latter stages of pregnancy, that my body is a vessel caring for another life, and that I needn't feel bad. (Which strangely enough, are very romantic words to hear)

For a girl whose two primary love languages are quality time and acts of service, this man has made my love tank quite full. Gary Chapman has taught him well. Or has nothin' on him. One or the other.

Oh! Give me something refreshing to eat—and quickly!
Apricots, raisins—anything. I'm about to faint with love! (Song of Solomon 2:5)

A Great Day for a White Wedding

2010-02-08T15:17:00.003-06:00

We made it to and through the wedding this weekend for my sweet friend, Kylene. She and I were college roommates for two years, and I felt quite honored when she asked me to be the Matron of Honor for her big day. Of course, when she asked me, I had not yet gotten the memo that there was a baby growing inside of me. When I found out our joyous news, I had to tell my two bridal friends at the time that I was expecting. It's hard to know how to share your joy over being pregnant while also feeling apologetic to the brides that you are causing added stress to their wedding days by saying, "Sooooo, the good news is, I'm pregnant! The bad news is, I will be almost 37 weeks at your wedding." (It was about 15 weeks at my friend Alison's, so that didn't pose too much of a wardrobe malfunction).

Both brides handled my news with excitement and grace, and I wouldn't have blamed them a bit if at least once they had the fleeting thought of I can't believe I have to deal with this on top of everything else. It's a good thing they both love me.

Poor Kylene, on top of any normal wedding stress, she also had the joy of a snowstorm sweeping through on the day of her rehearsal. We made the two-hour drive to our destination, as did all the rest of the wedding party. But whoo doggies, did it snow that day. Luckily, her wedding day turned out to be this beautiful sunny/snowy day that made for some perfect photo ops.

My friend Hilary who took our family photos back in November did the wedding photography, and I am waiting with great anticipation (HILARY) to see the pictures. Because this girl can take wedding pictures like you wouldn't believe. And she sees beauty in the littlest things like a flower girls Mary Janes or the sunlight streaming through a stained-glass window. Or a snowball fight, which is what the groomsmen got to do after the ceremony. I promise to post some of those pretty things as soon as they are ready (HILARY). Poor girl, we are a demanding bunch.

But for now, here is a picture of my just-shy-of-37-week-pregnant self in my bridesmaid dress, taken with Paul's cell phone. Not nearly the same quality of what is to come, but here it is. And for the record, I loved my dress and it was crazy comfortable. Which is why I am currently wearing it as I sit on my couch typing a blog. Only kidding (as far as you know).

Google Images Gets It Right

2010-02-03T15:04:00.002-06:00

So, we had our 36 week checkup yesterday with our new doctor. He will be doing our delivery, and I liked him a lot. I felt very comfortable with him, and he seemed to be really attentive to our concerns (not like we really have "concerns" other than "how many more nights of zero sleep and getting up to pee three times on average do we have?").

Oh, and for you LOST fans, he pretty much looks just like this guy:

Which could be pretty cool, or kind of intimidating when you consider the fertility issues of the women on the island. But I digress....

And this is pretty much what it feels like this kiddo has been doing inside of me for the last week or so. I like to call it the "corkscrew".

It feels, um, great.

And this is what I am supposed to do this weekend, with current standing at 2-3 cm dilated and 50% effaced:

Except my dress is MUCH prettier. But I may look as wide as the hoop in that bride's wedding dress. I do kind of dig the hats, though. Sometimes the 80s just got it right.

So, there you are with my week in descriptive pictures. If you are reading this on Facebook, you have to click on my blog to see the pictures, because FB doesn't show them in a note, and they are truly priceless. And accurate.

Once When We Were New

2010-01-29T14:43:00.003-06:00

We have been spending the better part of the last hour watching old videos of Abigail ages one to two. It has been really fun to take this stroll through memories of our old home, our baby who stayed in flannel sleepers all day, and who pretty much spoke in baby signs. It makes me realize a few things about memories with "The First Child."

1. New parents are slightly obsessive. We have videos of every grunt, smile, wave of her hand...anything that we thought was cute and worth taping (which apparently was EVERYTHING).

2. New parents think their kids are geniuses. We were so impressed with everything she did, assuming she must have had the highest IQ ever of a child that age. I say that now as I look at my four-year-old spinning around the living room in her princess underwear with a blanket over her head. Okay, okay, we still think she's pretty smart.

3. New parents talk to their babies constantly. I have all of these videos of just me and her, sitting on the kitchen floor, talking. Well, I was doing 99.8% of the talking. She was either doing signs, swaying to music, or waving her hands. I'm kind of amazed that I had so much to say to someone who couldn't converse yet. Note: This was also before I joined Facebook. I'm just sayin'.

4. New parents are not so concerned with the toys their children have. Abigail had a very small amount of toys, and we didn't really spend money on them. We gave her measuring spoons and lids to McDonald's cups. It all entertained her, and whatever didn't was just filled in by us spending oodles of time with her.

It was pretty amazing being a brand-new parent. I look forward to the feeling of having another little one in the house. Maybe to obsess over....but maybe not in the same way. Because there is nothing like that first one coming to your house. I watch these videos and cannot imagine singing that many songs, talking that non-stop, making videos of every single moment. Then again, maybe we will. Maybe we will get a new shot of energy (you know, after the first year of sleeplessness). I can't wait.

Teachable Moments

2010-01-25T14:47:00.002-06:00

I know many of you already read this on my Facebook status, but as my mama always told me, "Write it down!" This is my way of journaling this moment and not forgetting, in a little more detail than what my status would allow.

So, Abigail has had a rough morning. Lots of getting frustrated with things not going her way, which usually results in some pretty ugly acting. She had asked if she could watch Blues Clues around noon. I told her that she could, but that Daddy would be home soon for lunch, and might want to watch something different while he ate. If so, we would have to shut it off when he came home. Well, talk about having your defenses ready. As soon as she heard the door to the garage open, she started throwing a fit that she WAS NOT DONE WATCHING BLUES CLUES!

Paul looked shocked to be greeted in such a manner. She continued to cry and carry on for a while. Then he sat down and had a Daddy/daughter talk about how she acted. He's very calm like that. She calmed down, they ate lunch, and he allowed her to watch more of her show.

Then, as he was ready to leave, well, I don't even know what happened as I was in the other room, but I know there was some major sassiness and back-talking directed toward Daddy. We told her that we were shutting off Blues Clues and she had to go sit on her bed in her room (her time-out place) for acting mean toward Daddy. She freaked out even more that we were shutting off Blues Clues. Wow, don't you love when you have to tell stories like this about your kids? I have to admit, we love Blues Clues in this house, but this is the first time it has gotten so ugly.

Paul went back to work, and I went in to talk with her in her room. She carried on for a little while over the injustices of the world (we had told her no more Blues Clues today). We talked about how it made Daddy feel when she acted so mean and sassy toward him, that it hurts his feelings. As she calmed down while we talked, she told me "I don't like it when I sin."

Poor kid. Me neither. She has learned about sin in Sunday School, and we've just explained to her that sin is when we make bad choices. Pretty simple explanation at this point. But at this early age, we had yet to explain what you do when you sin...how you respond to God after you do it.

The rest of the conversation went as follows:
Me: So, how do you feel for the way you acted toward Daddy?

Abigail: Sorry.

Me: Do you want to call him and tell him you're sorry?

Abigail: No, you can tell him.

Me: Nope, sorry. It isn't my job to tell Daddy sorry when it was something you did. It's your job. Maybe you can tell him when he comes home from work. So, Abigail. If it makes Daddy sad when you act mean toward him, how do you think it makes God feel when we sin and make bad choices?

Abigail: Sad.

Me: And if you are going to tell Daddy you are sorry and ask him to forgive you, then what do you think you should say to God when you sin?

Abigail: That I'm sorry and ask Him to forgive me.

Me: Yup. I usually do it like this, "Dear God, I'm sorry that I made a bad choice and hurt your feelings. Please forgive me." So, can you pray something like that?

Abigail (burying her head deep into her pillow): "Dear God, I'm sorry that I sinned and made a bad choice. Will you forgive me? I love you and want to follow your rules. I want to listen to you and your angels. I want to follow you all the time, day and night. Amen."

Yeah. I love when she just keeps on praying. It's so much better than what I could have prayed for her. I love when she shows her heart through her prayers. Even on the really ugly days, and trust me, today has been one. Her heart is a beautiful thing.

In the Last Week

2010-01-20T16:10:00.002-06:00

All of these things have happened in the last week:

1. My friend Angie and I got the baby's room painted! This was able to happen after her husband and some other husbands from church came to move a monstrosity of a desk out of the office/baby's room. Once the desk was moved, I felt as if the heavens parted and I could see light. Because ain't NUTTIN' was happening until that monster was moved. I feel like things will all work out to bring a baby home. And like my friend Martha said, I still have, ahem, milk supply and diapers, so really, we would have been fine anyway.

2. Paul's mom had one of her turns for the worse. This is, I believe, the third time this has happened in the last year (maybe fourth?). It is usually brought on by dehydration and a UTI. It is emotionally exhausting that this keeps happening, but she seems to be on the upswing again.

3. Abigail had about two days of being almost perfect. I love those days....when we don't have arguments, when she is agreeable, when we are just silly and fun.
Today was not quite so almost perfect. Time outs were served. A spanking was threatened. (I hate when she treats me like I'm four.) We are both resting now, and hopefully will be acting like shiny, happy people after nap time.

4. Our car (not the good car, but the car we only drive when we have to) sounded like I was dragging a dead body beneath it the other day. Very reassuring. We have to go get it tonight from the friends house where I left it. Paul will drive it home...let's all pray that it doesn't spontaneously combust while he is in it, m'kay?

5. I have hit 34 weeks pregnant. Six weeks left to go! However, I have to be in a wedding in about three weeks, and then I have given her my full permission to evacuate the premises a little early. Because I'm pretty much ready to be done with being pregnant...fun as it's been and all. I feel (today) very calm about her coming, yet when I really think about it, I'm still a little overwhelmed that our family will change forever in just a few short weeks. Crazy. Oh, and I start meeting with the doctor who will deliver the baby at my next visit! Excited about that next step, but seriously, if my doctor who I've been seeing would just deliver her for me, I would pay her in chocolate chip cookies and free babysitting for the next 18 years because I LOVE my doctor.

6. I can no longer sleep comfortably. It makes me very tired during the day. Probably part of the problem is the divider line of a body pillow that Paul named "Bertha" that is between us every night. I'm not sure Bertha is helping me so much. Therefore, I have been taking a lot of naps. Therefore, if I do not seem to be available in the afternoons, there is a good likelihood I'm paying off some sleep debt.

7. We partied last weekend with our Sunday School class as a belated Christmas party. It was way fun. We ate a lot of things that are not on Paul's DASH diet. We played games. I wish we could have Christmas parties every month.

8. While Angie and I painted, we told Abigail she was the "babysitter" for Kaiden, Angie's 2-year-old, to keep him occupied. This immediately made her head grow four times its normal size, and she spent the day telling Kaiden that he needed to listen to her because she was the babysitter, his boss, and "the one in charge." I have a sinking feeling that Sadie Grace does not stand a chance.

Overall, a pretty good week. I'm gonna go work on that sleep debt now.

Explaining Haiti

2010-01-13T21:51:00.002-06:00

As we flipped through the channels after dinner tonight, there were recurrent pictures of toppled buildings, rubble-strewn streets, and injured people. I wanted to stop and watch, but felt the need to explain it to Abigail somehow. How do you explain an earthquake to a four-year-old? How do you explain disasters, that people get hurt? How do you explain things that we (hopefully and more-than-likely) will never experience in the midwest?

Gently. Like a child. The reason being, that we need to pray for them. She may not understand much about such things, but she does understand prayer. I wish I understood prayer, the simple, pure, heartfelt prayer like she prays.

"Abigail, do you see these pictures on the tv? Something happened just yesterday. It happened in a country called Haiti. That is not in the United States of America. It is in the ocean, far away from here. It is called an earthquake. That is when the ground moves a lot under your feet. It causes buildings to fall down, and people get hurt."

Watching the tv footage, her brain was trying to make sense of it. "This happened outside of the tv? It happened in our world?"

"Mm-hmm. But not close to here. It happened in another country. But do you see how the buildings fell down? People were hurt. So, we need to pray for them and ask God to help them. We can pray for them at bedtime when you say your prayers."

"Okay. But maybe you can pray for them. I don't know what to say." She watched the tv some more. "That guy has blood on him. Maybe because a building fell and hurt him."

"Yeah, probably. It's okay, honey. You don't have to worry. We will pray for them tonight." I switched the channel to something of lighter fare, thinking she had seen enough for now.

"Mommy, can we pray for them now?"

"Sure, honey. Do you want me to?"

"No, I will. What's the name of the place where the people live again?"

"Haiti."

"Dear God, thank you for this day and for our food. Thank you for Haiti. And please help the people in Haiti to be safe and healed so they won't bleed anymore. And help no more buildings to fall. Amen."

"That was a wonderful prayer, Abigail. Thank you for praying for them. We can keep praying for them for a while, not just one time."

"Yeah, because maybe they are sad. Or frustrated. But God will make them all better and heal them? And then maybe they can build new buildings where the ones fell down?"

"Yup. That is exactly what they will do. God will help them, and people will help them." I walked over to the couch and gave her a hug. "I love your heart, Abigail. It is a very kind heart and shows that you love God and love people."

Maybe explaining Haiti taught me more about my daughter's heart than I taught her.

Slow Down Time

2010-01-12T16:08:00.002-06:00

I love January. Most people feel the "holiday letdown" after Christmas and New Year's, with nothing fun and festive to look forward to. I, however, welcome the change from December's (albeit crazy fun) hectic pace to having nothing on the calendar. Of course, I use the term "nothing on the calendar" pretty loosely, as there is always something on the calendar, but you know what I mean. Not being booked for parties every night of the week, not feeling that every moment needs to be filled with some memory-making, picture-taking event. I love the sloooowww of January...staying inside from the snow and not feeling bad about it (because who really expects you to go somewhere in the snow?), making a different crock pot meal every night (because soup is so good right now), and thinking Don't I have somewhere I have to be? Oh, no, I guess I don't. Ahhhhhhhh.....

As I look around my house, I'm obviously aware of many things I could be doing with my time. But those things are slowly being penciled in on my calendar....cleaning out the office, moving out the desk, painting the walls, moving in the crib. They will happen, hopefully by the end of next week because I am ready to finish it and stop feeling anxious about it. Yesterday I felt pretty anxious. Just had those feelings of not being ready for baby to come, yet being SO READY for baby to come. One of my high school friends reminded me on facebook yesterday that in the beginning, all I really need to have ready are breasts and diapers. That reminder stripped it all away for me....and I remembered that ready or not, babies come, and it will all be okay. I feel much more at ease in my mind today, which is a much better place to be.

So, January day, what shall we do? (besides laundry, duh.) The stew is in the crock pot. The trash has been collected through the house. I may transfer a couple of desk drawers into their new spot in the living room, just so I can whine to my husband and feel like I did something about it. I may read another chapter of Francis Chan's Crazy Love, because I probably shouldn't just stop at the intro, and it has my attention. Yeah, today is a good January day. I think I will enjoy it.

Oh, the Joys

2010-01-04T15:04:00.004-06:00

I'm not sure where the last two weeks have gone, but gone they are. In a nutshell, Christmas was great....relaxing, special, magical. It was a tough few days before that, as Abigail's birthday was the 21st, and she pretty well thought the world revolved around her for a little while there. I guess it kind of did. I want her birthdays to be special, just like we all do, and I don't ever want her to feel that having a birthday so close to Christmas has made her "miss out." But I think she walked around with an invisible crown and scepter that week, and pretty well expected gifts at every corner. We had to have a lot of family "talks" and deal with several meltdowns. It has calmed down since then, and hopefully she is feeling back to reality now.

I guess all of that got me to thinking about how I am doing, you know, as Abigail's mommy. I think when I became a mommy, I was "prepared" for all that I was "unprepared" for. I knew there would be a ton of stuff we didn't know how to do, and that you figure it out as you go. There definitely is no manual. However, I was not prepared for how much I would second-guess myself. Paul and I work hard to make special moments with her. We spend time with her. Heck, I have the opportunity to stay at home with her, which gives me almost non-stop time with her, four years running.

But then there is that second-guessing...

Paul and I have discussions with each other about what we could do differently in our parenting styles. If there is one thing that has become crystal clear to me, it is that Paul and I are a team. Yes, I have those "breakdown" moments when I feel like I "do it all", but the truth is, I couldn't do any of this without him. We back each other. We are unified. There are moments when she asks me a question, or acts a certain way, and I just don't even know how to respond. That is usually when he responds perfectly.

Trust me, I love, love, love being a mommy. It was always my highest "career goal." The rewards outweigh the frustrations. It causes me to pray a lot.

But, I ask you, Mommies of the World, is there ever a "parenting" moment when you feel like you did it right? When you don't wonder afterwards....was that too harsh? Was it not harsh enough? Did they learn a lesson, or did I just come across as a big meanie? Will my child be better off for the way I just handled that situation?

Do you ever feel like you get it right?

The Last Christmas

2009-12-25T00:09:00.001-06:00

My husband continues to sweep me off my feet with his thoughtfulness...I can only thank God over and over for what a great man he is, and a very good daddy. Thank you for this special Christmas gift, honey.

It's Good

2009-12-19T21:06:00.003-06:00

Today, I almost became slightly disillusioned. I think the correct word is just "tired", but after an entire month of traveling every weekend, and having something to go to almost every night this month, I think I was just hitting a limit.

We were driving home from Indianapolis today where we were celebrating my friend April's birthday. A GREAT reason to drive to Indy (in case April is reading this...I love you!). But on the way home, we were listening to Christmas music on the radio on the Christian music radio station. Paul and I both like to make fun of the DJ's on this station, because they are just over the top cheesy sometimes. Today they were talking about kids running down the stairs on Christmas morning and my head got cynical.....but just for a minute. I was thinking about how idealized we make Christmas morning, how we plan it to be just so in our minds. But then if it doesn't work out that perfect way we imagined, we get disappointed.

Please understand, I LOVE Christmas and the entire month of December. I love the parties, the preparation, the decorations, the food, the friends and family. Love it all. It just seems that in our minds, Christmas has that soft haze around the edges of it, like the scene from a 1940s movie.

Tonight, though, I sit at home, making food to celebrate Christmas with my family tomorrow. The Wizard of Oz is on tv. Abigail has her friend Liane over, and they are currently taking a bath together. I hear them talking and laughing and calling each other "princess." I am looking at the tree in front of me, and even the cheesy car sales commercial on tv with Santa and Mrs. Claus in it. And it's good. It's a good night, even if it were just any old Saturday night. But it is the Saturday before Christmas, and it may almost get hazy around the edges.

Hey, Big Spender

2009-12-16T12:04:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, Abigail got a birthday/Christmas card from my Grandpa B., her great-grandpa. Before she passed away a few years ago, my Grandma B. was the queen of the birthday card. She never forgot a birthday. Not only did she not forget, but if she had ever met you in life....EVER...you were more than likely going to get a birthday or Christmas card from her. She was organized, and thoughtful. So, the fact that my grandpa, who is now in his mid-nineties still thinks to send a birthday card to his great-granddaughter is nothing short of amazing to me.

As she opened the card, a crisp ten-dollar bill fell to the floor. Now, until this year, he has usually sent the money to my mom or to me to buy something for Abigail. But I guess he figured for someone turning four, it was time for her to receive her own money. She picked up the ten off the floor and announced, "It's mine now!" She knows just enough about money to know that it's good to have some.

I asked her what she wanted to do with her money from Great-Grandpa. My mom always stressed to me that when someone sends you money as a gift, it is because they want you to buy something special with it for yourself. (I wish I could go back and tell broke, newlywed Amy and Paul that as we spent it to pay our gas bill.) She thought for a second and said, "I guess I'll put it in my piggy bank."

Normally not a bad idea, but I thought her first ten-dollar bill for herself was too special to be responsible with.

I said, "Well, you can buy something with it if you want to."

A big smile broke across her face and she said, "I could buy food. Like macaroni and cheese!"

Hmmmm, I didn't expect this to be so hard to explain. She knows when you go to the store that you have to give the cashier money for what you want. She knows the basics of spending. And she chose mac 'n cheese?

"OR, you could buy maybe a toy."

"Okay," she replied. "When we go to the store next time, I can pick out a present to give to Liane." (Her best little buddy from church)

"OR, you could pick out a present for YOU. It's really thoughtful that you want to buy something for Liane, but Great-Grandpa sent that money for YOUR birthday and Christmas, to buy something that you would like to have."

She studied the paper bill. "What number is this again?"

"It's a ten. That means you have ten dollars."

"I've GOT IT!" she exclaimed. "The next time we go to the mall, I can use it to ride the ride that goes around and around."

Great. A ride that costs 75 cents. So Paul and I can sit and watch her go around in circles for ten dollars worth of rides. Well, it's her money. We'll see if we can work on it a little bit.

Words, Words, Words....or Lack Thereof

2009-12-09T13:25:00.004-06:00

There are some things that I remember being much cooler when I was younger. The one I am thinking of at the moment is Disney's Fantasia. We took Abigail last weekend to see Disney on Ice as an early birthday present. It was so fun, and I'll even admit almost getting teary-eyed as every single ever-lovin' Disney character skated out in the beginning to "Be Our Guest." Sometimes I anticipate in my head how she is viewing something for the first time, and the excitement can be overwhelming to me. Have any of you been living vicariously through your kids lately? No? Just me?

A few of the characters in the show were from Disney's Fantasia. We had to explain to Abigail that when Mickey put on his wizard's outfit, it was from a special movie that Mickey was in a long-time ago. And then there were all the glow-in-the-dark dancing brooms....it really was a cool sight to see.

So, yesterday, Paul and Abigail went to the library and brought home a few things, one of them being Fantasia. We have been watching it for the last thirty minutes, and as much as I love all of the music from the Nutcracker Suite, I don't really remember....all...the...music....

Abigail has been watching patiently, and just a few minutes ago, said the words that we both were thinking. "When's it gonna get good?"

But wait! Here comes Wizard Mickey and his dancing brooms! I wish I could say I was more cultured to be introducing her to such fabulous symphonic melodies, but we really were just waiting for Mickey. Maybe the culture will come through osmosis.

Delicious

2009-12-04T16:19:00.002-06:00

Last night, my family went to our Baptist Association's Christmas party. It was our third Christmas party this week, which makes me so tired to even type those words. Anyway, just a cute story to share about Abigail....

After we ate dinner at the church, she had gone off to play in the nursery with ALL! THE! TOYS! It was not at our church, so of course, everything seemed new and shiny to her. Then she came running back to me at the table to tell me she needed to go potty.

We went into the bathroom, and I waited on her to finish. She had a nice, round belly from her dinner, and I said, "You ate your dinner really well tonight. You have a round tummy!"

She got off the potty, rubbed my tummy, and said, "You ate a lot tonight, too! Look at your round tummy!"

I laughed and said, "What's my tummy full of? It's full of baby Sadie."

She said, "You ATE a BABY????"

Then she giggled....she knew the answer. Oh, the comic timing on this kid.

Pictures!!

2009-12-02T10:12:00.001-06:00

These are a preview of the pictures taken by my friend Hilary of our family. They are so pretty. I knew she would do an amazing job! Thank you, Hilary!!

Just One or Two Reasons Why I am a Cat Person

2009-11-28T10:07:00.002-06:00

We have a blended household here....a mixed marriage. Paul is a die-hard dog person, and I am a cat-person. We have had many a conversation over why we refuse to switch camps. And I do have to point out that Paul showed great sacrificial love to me about five years ago when, for my birthday, he got me our cat, Cammie. She is pretty great, most of the time....but that could be said for any cat.

Paul's entire family consists of dog-people. Any time you enter any one of their homes, you will most likely be welcomed by barking. But enough about his family's strange welcoming routine....

We went to his sister Carey's house yesterday for the family Thanksgiving. They have three dogs, all of different breeds. Their newest family member is a puppy named Boss. He is a Beabull, which is a cross of a Beagle and English Bulldog. He has the face and height of a Beagle, but the markings and stockiness of a bulldog. He IS a cute little guy, and yes, I am able to recognize the extreme cuteness of a puppy. I just don't want to be the mama to one. When Carey's husband got Boss out of the cage to greet Abigail and me, he jumped on us in all of his puppy wiggliness. And then I felt it on my jeans. The warm. The wet.

Five minutes at their house, an hour and a half from my nearest wardrobe change, and I had been peed on.

Now, I can handle a little pee with grace and dignity. It happens. Carey washed my jeans for me while I wore some of her daughter's cargos (thanks, Brandi). But I did feel the need to remind them about another time I had visited their house.....

Paul and I were engaged at the time, and we had gone to Carey's house. They had a dog at the time named Harley. We had just eaten, and I had my legs outstretched under the table. Then I felt....something....that I had never felt before happening to my leg. Yes, my dears, I was officially being humped. As someone who had been raised with cats, I reacted normally and freaked out. I felt extremely violated. He hadn't even ASKED! All of the dog-people around me had a good laugh and then told me that was just part of owning a dog.

Don't get me wrong. I truly enjoy going to Carey's house. It is warm and welcoming in every way. But for me, that is not any way that involves their dogs. I must have a cat-shaped target on my forehead when I walk in there, and those dogs are ready for me. I just told them yesterday that I have had reaffirmed to me, once again, why I choose to stick with aloof, uncaring felines. Oh, I'm sure Paul will win this battle someday, but as long as I can keep coming up with excuses, I think it will be a while.

Just a Few Points

2009-11-25T08:59:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I just love the look of a list. So today, I shall make one.

1. The Halls have been Decked. We put up Christmas decorations last night at home. We have started earlier ever since we moved into the parsonage. It just has so much more room to be festive than our old house did. The tree is up, lights are on, nativity in place. I find this time of year that I don't have nearly enough "flat surfaces" in my home....you know, the places to put all of the cute little snowmen and candles and multiple nativities. We have the top of our piano and the top of our tv. That is just about it, so a lot of really cute decorations usually do not get put out. Boo. However, Paul and I both fell asleep in the living room last night to the light of the tree, and I think it is just about the coziest feeling in the world.

2. Abigail has rediscovered Tiny the Elf. You can read my post from last year about Tiny if you want, but to be concise, Tiny WAS the Elf on the Shelf in our house 25 years ago, before Elf on the Shelf had a store or a website to call home. I would still like to submit that it was my mom's original idea, but it was at least the idea of tired mamas everywhere who needed a little elf help. We got out our little ceramic Tiny last night, and he stayed awake all night watching Abigail sleep to report to Santa that she slept well. She seems a lot more ready to play with him this year (she is currently helping him ski down the Christmas tree), so I hope he can survive the season intact.

3. My 30 days of meals is going quite well, one week in! Thanks for all who have sent recipes. I made a cute little calendar to hang on the fridge, and have stuck to it. I have actually loved having a plan for each night....not having to make excuses, not having to scramble at the last minute. I just look at the calendar, and that is what I make. I think it has brought a little corner of peace to my mealtime madness.

4. Picture day today! My friend Hilary is coming today to take pictures for family Christmas/Abigail's birthday/pregnancy. She is excellent at her skill. I still remember her winning all of the blue ribbons at the 4-H fair when we were younger with her amateur photography, and she has crafted it well. Even on a blustery, rainy day like today, I trust that we will have some pretty photos to show you soon!

5. I've been doing a new Bible study lately called Knowing God by Name by Mary Kassian. I'm not very far into it yet, but I have certainly enjoyed meditating on God as Yahweh, Elohim, and Adonai. I want to know God better in His glory and majesty....and be able to pray those characteristics by title.

6. Please be in prayer for us over our Muncie home. I haven't had the need to write about it lately, but in a nutshell, we have been selling it on an 18-month contract. The couple buying the house is 15 months into the contract, and have so far been wonderful. They have made their payments on time every month, and we have not had a single issue with them. We are so desperate to be free of this house we moved out of two and a half years ago, and I was starting to see a much needed light at the end of the tunnel.
Then, two days ago, we received notification in the mail that the lady living in the house is filing for bankruptcy. NOT the news we wanted at this stage of the game....or any other stage, for that matter. The couple is not married, as far as I know, so we just don't know any answers as far as how this will affect his responsibility in things, if they will be able to continue to make payments, if he will be able to get financing in his name without her, etc. We may be once again, getting this house back and starting payments all over again until we can find a new buyer. We were really hoping these would be our buyers. We just don't know what happens from here, and have to do things we don't want to do, like talk to attorneys. I'm sure you understand this needs much prayer right now.....God will make a way somehow, and we will get through this, but it has been a damper on our week.

That's what I've got for you.....six points! Doesn't a list look so pretty and official, though? I'm off to make breakfast for us so we have pretty smiles for our pictures!

It's Good to Have Goals

2009-11-18T16:07:00.002-06:00

I told my husband today that I had a new goal. He said, "Let me guess....does it last 30 days?"

Well, yes. Actually, it does, Mr. Smartie-Pants. We all know that any goal worth learning anything from has to last 30 days. Sheesh.

Last night, I was up very late (too late), googling things on the computer. And I googled "30 days of meals," or something like that. And I am now totally excited and motivated to plan out a month worth of meals for my family. We will still do our weekly grocery shopping, so I will only buy what I need for that week's worth of meals.

I have just fallen too many times into the trap of, "I don't have meat thawed out for dinner. Let's go out." Paul and I know that if there is one main area that we could tighten the bootstraps of our budget on, it is in the area of eating out. Plus, if the meals are planned, then I won't be so likely to grocery shop like I am hopped up on cough syrup. A plan, y'all, I just need a plan.

This will be a healthier change for my family (compared to too many meals out), and give me that sense of being ready for what comes at the end of the day. You know, it's not like I can pretend to be surprised by dinner for the rest of my life.

So, it will take work. It will take preparation. It will take prayer. But I like the idea of planning it out. Except for Thanksgiving....my dad's frying a turkey that day, and I would hate to take that joy away from him.

Any suggestions of your family's favorite meals that I could add to my list?

Mars and Venus Collide in a Minivan

2009-11-12T16:22:00.002-06:00

I've been with my family in Springfield the last two days for our annual Baptist state meeting. Anyone who has driven across Illinois this time of year knows that most country roads lead to Springfield, and they all make boring drives. I'm sure at other times of the year, when the corn is high and green, it could be quite pretty, but considering most of the fields have been cut flat (real farming terminology in my world), it all just looks kind of vast and brown and blah.

So, today we were driving home on some country road approaching another tiny berg of a town near Amish country. Abigail was asleep in her carseat, and Paul and I were quiet up front as we stared out the windows.

My mind started wandering, or racing, as it often does in the quiet of thoughts such as, We have things going on almost every weekend between now and 2010. I really need to get the baby's room painted, so we really need to get the office junk moved out of that room. In all reality, I'm almost in my third trimester, and it will fly by. I mean, it feels like it was just August. There is so much to do. So much, so much, so much.....

Then Paul spoke up, and I once again had a glimpse of how not similar our quiet time thoughts are.
"Do you know what I just realized?" he asked, as he looked out the driver's window onto a vast, empty field.

"What?" I asked back, jarring my thoughts of to-do lists back toward today.

"If Spider-man lived in the country, he really wouldn't be able to use his abilities. I mean, look at these fields. There would be nothing for him to climb like there would in the city. He really couldn't live out here."

I stared at him blankly. "Do you know what I just realized?"
Then I stopped myself before I said something that might hurt the head of a man who still sometimes thinks like an eight-year-old.

Sacrifice

2009-11-11T11:10:00.004-06:00

I was always a patriotic little child. My first favorite song that I can remember was "The Star-Spangled Banner." LOVED IT.

My second favorite song was the jingle from the Crystal Light commercials in the 80s, but I don't know if jingles count for anything. Crystal Light, 'cuz I believe in me.

My next favorite song as a child was "God Bless the USA" by Lee Greenwood. It still is one of my faves. I don't know what it is about hearing that scratchy voice from that bearded man sing, "And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free...," but it still gets me choked up to this day. And should I hear it on the radio in my car, that puppy is getting turned UP.

All this to say, I don't know when my heart began to bend toward a love for my country. But it was natural to me. I don't remember being taught these things...they just always were within me. We have done our best to teach Abigail about the importance of soldiers and what they do for to fight for our freedoms. I know that it may be years before she understands the depth of these things, but I still love to see her say the Pledge of Allegiance or tell me with a little bit of awe in her voice that she just saw a soldier.

We were in McDonald's a couple of weeks ago, and there was a woman there, dressed in Army fatigues. Abigail got up really close to me and said, "Mommy, I didn't know there were GIRL soldiers!" In her world, there are very distinct lines of what girls do and what boys do. She is always telling us something is a "boy" thing to do, until we expand her thinking a little more to say that girls do a lot of the same things.

On a day like today, I'm glad that our country gives pause to celebrate and honor our veterans. Even though I am sad for the reason, I appreciate seeing flags everywhere flying at half-staff in memory of those who gave the greatest sacrifice one can give, of their very lives for the freedom of others. It is so much of Jesus, and so not a natural part of our human selves. I know many soldiers may never get the full appreciation they deserve, or see the spiritural parallels in the work they do. But I do think a soldier is the closest earthly picture we may see of great sacrifice. To think that Jesus went even beyond that, to give His own life for a fallen, sinful world, to lay himself on an alter that no other sacrifice could fulfill will forever amaze my mind and heart.

Things Abigail has Learned Lately

2009-11-05T14:48:00.002-06:00

When a baby is ages birth through a year or two old, the questions are always being asked, "What are they doing now?", "What are their milestones?", and "What are their new tricks?" I always laughed at that one, like she was a little puppy or something. Those questions start to fizzle out around preschool age, but I've realized that even at almost four years old, Abigail has learned several new things.

1. Bargaining Skills. She is getting a lot better with getting what she wants, whether that is just one more book, one more Blues Clues video, or one more piece of Halloween candy. I don't know if I am just too tired to think of how to bargain back, or not willing to argue. Sometimes I am firm, say, close to nap time. Other times, as much as I want to say no, I think of the "big picture parenting", and ask myself what one extra book will hurt.

Note: Bargaining and throwing fits are not the same thing. Last night when we were leaving Toys R Us, she wanted to ride one of the little cars and we told her no. She immediately started crying, and we didn't cave. We are pretty good at not caving to bad behavior, which is different than just giving in to "one more ___________." I think.....

2. Being defensive. Paul says she learned this trait from him, the propensity to self-defend. I'm not sure where this came from, and it seems like it really came out of the blue. When she gets called out for doing something wrong, she immediately tells us all the reasons why it is not her fault, why she wasn't doing anything wrong, why she is so justified. Whatever....it's annoying. It may be a long road ahead of us, but by golly, this kid will learn to accept when she has messed up. She may be 30 when she learns it, but I'm counting on that lesson sinking in someday.

3. Showing us her booty. Recently, she thinks giving me and Paul a full moon is hilarious. Luckily, she only does this at home, and usually before bedtime when giddiness ensues. The pants get pulled down, and she just stands there and waits for us to realize what she is showing us. I admit, it can be pretty funny, but we tell her we don't need to see her "cracker". She also thinks this word is hilarious, which makes the pants-pulling-down happen even more.

4. Telling us what words are not okay to say. Somehow, I think this is her way of exercising the chance to actually say those words. One word she has said for a while is "bammit", which we tell her not to say because it rhymes with a bad word. Yesterday, she dropped the broom she was playing with, and then came to me and said, "I'm sorry I said bammit." Hmmm, tricky.

5. Baby talking. I don't know if the closer we get to baby's arrival, the more she feels the need to be a baby again herself, or what. But the baby talking is about to drive this mama up a wall.

6. Coloring and drawing. She loves it and could do it for hours on end. It keeps her very quiet and occupied, and she's actually pretty good. I'm all for it.

7. Saying sweet things. She has moved beyond the sole "I love you" stage, and is getting more creative. Last night I was getting her out of her carseat, and she said, "I'm glad Jesus made you my mommy." These moments melt me completely.....and I still didn't give in at Toys R Us!

So, those are her latest tricks. Don't get me wrong, she's pretty fun lately. There are fun things about every stage, and trying things, too. In some ways, I'm hoping age four is a little easier than age three. But overall, she is always a great kid, and I sure am glad she's mine.

So Good

2009-11-02T13:47:00.003-06:00

Today, I am reminding myself that God is good ALL the time. And not because anything is going wrong today, because it isn't. But I was a little apprehensive over something that I shouldn't have been.

The couple that has been buying our house on contract sends us a mortgage check at the beginning of each month for the payment. They have never missed a payment, nor have they been late. The contract period is almost up, about three more months to go.

Usually, we receive their payment even before the first of the month. It is usually in the mail on the 27th or 28th of the month, making me content and happy and secure and blah, blah, blah. For some reason, this month, it didn't arrive a few days early as usual, but it still was not late. It arrived on the 2nd. And wouldn't you know it, my mind started racing a hundred different ways with the "what if's?". What if they couldn't make their payment this month? What if they get this close to the end of the contract and default? What if we still have possession of this crazy house almost two and a half years after we moved out of it????

But today, the check came. Payment will be made on time once again. I called Paul and said, "Check was in the mail. God is good." Then I realized what I had just said, and said, "I mean, God is always good, even if the check had not come. But it did come, and He is good." We had a good little chuckle over it, but it made me realize today that I needed that little reminder....God is ALWAYS good. If the payment is made or not, if our house sells or not, if we are healthy or sick, if we are rich or poor (sound like marriage vows, anyone?). Thank you, God, that Your goodness never changes, and it is not based on me.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever! Psalm 107:1

Her Love

2009-10-27T12:35:00.003-05:00

Last night after her bath, I was painting Abigail's fingernails and toenails. She sat naked on the couch and got a real mani/pedi, which is just about her favorite girl time in the whole world.

I was a stuffy mess. I was in my yoga pants and a t-shirt, and looked like nothing that resembled a pretty mommy.

And then she looked at me and said, "I'm so glad God made you my mommy. I love this mommy's hair. I love this mommy's voice."

I think it was the best medicine I've had in four days.

From a Sick Chick

2009-10-25T10:08:00.002-05:00

Influenza A/Swine Flu has breached our borders of our town. I know that this sickness is much more hyped than the usual seasonal flu, and I'm falling all over it. We've had friends at church who have had it, there have been kids beyond number sent home from school this week. The school nurse goes to our church, so I feel like I have some very cool "inside" on what's going on. I know I don't really, but a girl can feel important, can't she?

I spent most of the last week going crazy over sanitizing the house. By golly, I was going on the defensive for my family. Probably me being pregnant, and in the "high risk" category of contracting the flu makes me a little crazier than the usual year. In fact, the only flu shot I have ever had in my life was when I was pregnant with Abigail. Paul never gets them. Abigail has gotten them every year. I don't claim to have scientific, biological understanding of any of these things, but it seems like the right thing to do to get them for her, and me when I'm pregnant.

De-germed as this house has been, who do you think got sick? Mama, that's who. Not with the flu, thank goodness. But the last few days, I have had a yucky cough that burns in my chest, and last night it moved upwards toward my sinuses. One of the hardest things about being pregnant is not being able to just go to the medicine cabinet and take my pick of the many OTC's that would help my symptoms. My doctor only advises me to take Benadryl and Tylenol. That's it. No cough syrup. No expectorant. Bah. Humbug.

So, I'm sitting at home on a Sunday morning, skipping church. Avoiding people, for their sake and for mine. At least my cat still snuggles up next to me. She's a little TLC medicine at the right moments.

Maybe my body had acquired immunity to the germs in my house, and I made a mistake by going on a sanitizing kick? I hope not.

A Gift of Remembrance

2009-10-19T10:41:00.004-05:00

When I got home from a trip to Branson with my family on Saturday, I had a surprise package in the mail for me. It was from my sweet friend, Megan, and it was this:

She said that she knows I carry the hearts of the babies we lost, as well as Abigail and Sadie's hearts. It is from the ee cummings poem:

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it

I love that Megan thought to send this to me. First of all, she didn't even know that Paloma's Nest (the maker of the little dish) is one of my favorite seller's on etsy. I told her that I don't really expect people to remember all of the dates that are now stored in my memory. But when someone reads my blogs and thinks to do something special....it touches my heart so much. The dish arrived in the sweetest little straw nest. Nests and eggs have had a very special place in my heart ever since Sissy and her eggs were a part of our lives back in the spring.

Thank you, Meg. Thank you to all who remember with us.